My letter to Santa

Dear Santa, I know that I am a grown adult but I am still a child at heart that believes that Santa can make her wishes come true. My wish this year is something big that might take many elves to make. It may not be ready for this year but I will wait because this wish is so special. My wish for you Santa is that you could buid me a time machine. Not just any time machine but one that not only fits me, but that could fit all of the many bereaved parents that I have met along the way. Once this time machine transports me back to a time before loss, I will appreciate every moment that I am in. I will slow down what I am doing instead of trying to fit so much within a day. I will hold each hug with Bella a little longer, and put her to bed a little later. I would try to stop making her grow up so fast and allow her to be a baby for that much longer. I would tell her how loved she is that much more and spend more time just looking into her eyes. Well Santa I will wait until my Christmas wish comes true. Until then I will use the time machine that is in my mind.

Holidays

Christmas is almost here and I am trying not to get tangled up in the emotion of not spending it with Isabella. I know that she is spending it with Jesus and all of the angels. Even though Frank and I are not ready to celebrate the holidays with it festivities, I am trying to make it special for Julian. I want him to look. Ack and see pictures of his first Christmas. We have stocking with his name and Bella's. Hyenas presents under the tree and he will be dressed up in a Christmas themed outfit. I feel bad that I am not allowing him to spend it with aloof his family,but it's what we need right now. Our Christmas will entail him visiting his sister and sending her Christmas love. That is our reality right now. Yummy egg nog, good food, my husband and my baby sill I need this Christmas. The only thing that could make it better would be Isabella running around. She will be with us in spirit. I love you Bella and know that you are watching over your baby brother.

I am sitting here watching the news about a senseless shooting in the United States at an elementary school. As a teacher and a parent I can feel the terror that everyone involved must feel. So many peopled killed for no reason. I am horrified by the thought of those parents whose life will forever be changed today. They probably have wrapped presents for their children under the tree and today may find out that their children have been killed. I pray for all of those families and I hope that they can find the strength to get through the rest of the day and many, many hard days months and years to come.

I finally found a few minutes to write something. I forgot what it was like to be busy every second of the day. Although I have to admit that I would not have it any other way. I love being home with Julian and having him all to myself. He is such a good boy and I can see so many similarities between him and Bella. Being that it's flu season Frank and I are being very vigilant with Julian and staying away from to many people and especially to being around people that are sick or have sick family members that live within thier household. Our pediatrician had told us that if a child under two becomes ill it is very dangerous. It is a risk thatI a not willing to take. It awkward to say to people that you would prefer that they would not come over at this time. But I am not afraid of an awkward conversation. My own sister hadn't seen Julian until he was almost One week and a half because my niece was ill and she did not feel well. My mother purposely took a week off of work to spend at my house but had a tickle in her throat so she went to the doctors and asked for a prescription just in case. I cannot say enough how much I appreciate that they did those things. It shows me that they respect my wishes no matter what they think of them. Being that Isabella caught a common virus that lead to something much worse I am on high alert of any illnesses (especially strep or throat issues). So do not take it personally if we decline a visit at this time. It is nice that Frank and I are on the same page regarding this. I think that he is as concerned as I am. Iris different raising achild after loss. The bliss of being a parent is often competing with the reality of what could be. Well I think that Iam going to try to sneak in some sleep while I can. Miss you Bella. Julian is so lucky to have you as a big sister.