I Miss her

The only thing that I can think to write today is how much I miss my daughter. How much I wish that she was here in my arms.  How I wish that I was experiencing the end of the terrible two's and soon the troublesome three's.  I miss worrying about her every second of every day.  I miss the old me and the old life that we shared.

I miss you Monkey, now and always.

Mommy

Mother's Day

This weekend marked my husband and my fifth year anniversary as well as Mother's Day.  Last year both of those occasions were passed over and not acknowledged at my own request.  I could not bare to celebrate anything without Bella here.  This year I have allowed people to wish me best wishes for both occasions.  I think that Frank and I need to celebrate or at least acknowledge our anniversary for the fact that we made it through the last year is definately something.  You always here of couples who break up after the loss of a child and I think that Frank and I need eachother now more then ever.  I even am okay with people wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.  Even though it may not be a happy one, I am still the mother of the most beautiful girl in the world and I want the world to know!  I am so proud of Bella now and always will be.

I want to acknowledge all of the amazing mothers out there.  There are so many amazing women who take such great care of thier children each and every day.  Some of those include my sister, family members and many of my friends.  I wish all of you a Happy Day. 

I espacially want to acknowledge all of the amazing mothers who I have met though the Child Loss community.  You are all amazing mothers and mothering a child who is in Heaven is the hardest thing to do.  I want to acknowledge Nadia (Jason's mom), Michelle (Jack's mom), Jennie (Megan's mom),  Susan (Catherine's mom),  Steph (Gavin's mom), Ashley (Beck's mom), Maria (Carlie's mom), and Dianna (Joshua's mom).   I am sorry that we are all part of the Child Loss community but am happy that I have been given the chance to meet both you and your amazing children.  I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day.

And of course, Happy Mother's Day to my mom.  I love you!

I miss you Isabella and know that you are with me today and always.  Thank you for being my little girl.

Mommmy

Letting Go

Another spring is here and it just brings the realisation that another season has gone by without my Bella Baby.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I have or have not come in this past year.  When I think back to May 2011, I think of a hopeless women who was begging to be taken to heaven to be with her daughter.  Today, I now realise that it is not my time to go.  I know that Bella would want me here to take care of her daddy that she loves so much.  She would want me to have more children so that she could be a big sister.  I can now see some light in my life.  I now know that I will have moments of joy and moments of laughter.  This does not in any way mean that I am healed, or I am over it.  That will never happen. I guess that I am in the acceptance stage of my grief.  I don't like it but I have accepted it.  I think that when people see me smile, laugh or do something that resembles the "old Me,"  they often think that I am no longer broken.  I will always be broken, I am just now trying to put the pieces together again.

I was speaking to a friend and fellow bereaved parent about letting our children go. We were both agreeing that that is so hard to do.  This came up in conversation because I was telling her that I was told that I needed to let Bella go for her as much as for me.  I don't know how to do that.  I am unsure what that looks like.  Is it even possible to let our children go.  She will always be the centre of my world and that will never change.  I just hope that I am not holding her back from doing whatever her job in heaven is. 

Overall, I think that I am growing as a person, a parent a wife and a friend.  I think that this past year was the hardest year of my life and I don't wish that pain on anyone.  I hear that the second year is even harder then the first.  I just hope that I have learned some new coping skills to help me get through whatever the future years may bring.

My Reality

It has been quite a while since I have written a blog or even read any others.  I cannot even say that it is because I was to busy because I have way to much time on my hands now.  Truthfully I think that I just wanted to take a break from my grief.  I don't even think that it is possible but for a moment I did not want to be part of the child loss group.   Writing down my feelings means that I have to concentrate on them and that is the last thing that I want to do.  I am tired of being a mother whose child is in heaven.  I am tired of speaking to Isabella and imagining what she would say back.  I am extremely tired of missing her.  I just wish that for a moment God would take some pity on me and give me just one more minute with her.  In that minute I would memorize her smell, her voice, her laugh.  I would kiss under her neck and tell her that I loved her as many times as I can in 60 seconds.

I can only hide from my reality for so long because even though I don't want to be part of this group, I am.  I am part of a group that nobody wants to or should be a part of.   My reality is that I am here and my daughter is in heaven.  I have no idea what she would have looked like as a two and a half year old girl.  Even though I hate it, that is the reality of my life.

Some people....

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some people move our souls to dance.

They awaken us to new understanding

with the passing of thier wisdom.

Some people make the sky

more beautiful to gaze upon.

They stay in our lives for a while

Leave footprints on our hearts.

And we are never, ever the same. 

(Author is unknown)

I found this poem online and wanted to share it.  The poem describles exactly how I feel about Bella.  The ending of the poem says it all.

And we are never, ever the same.

1 Year

Today marks one year since Isabella's passing.  I thought that since I have never written about the day Bella passed, I would do so today.  As I tried to put that day into words I had to stop myself.  That day was to painful to even write about.  I don't think that I am ready to relive that day even if it is through my writing.

I woke up this morning not knowing what today would bring and I have to say that I made it through.  Early afternoon Frank and I went to the cemetery to visit Bella and later in the day we had a 1 year mass for Isabella at my church.  I was so amazed at the amount of people that came out to support us and to pray for Bella.  It is humbling to know that there are so many people that care about us and love and miss Bella.  I want to take this opportunity to thank all of those people who where there for us not only today but through the whole year.  You all have a special place in my heart.

Isabella, I miss you each minute of each and every day.  I love you more then I knew was humanly possible.  I am so blessed to be your mother and to have had all of the moments that we shared together.  Thank you for loving me and for showing me the meaning of true unconditional love.  With each day that passes we are a day closer to us being together.  I love you always Monkey.

Love,
The worlds proudest Mommy

Walking ball of misery

My Gran, Nancy Ackerley has passed away at the age of 92.  She had a long life, yet saying good bye to someone is never easy.  She was an amazing person who loved the casino, sweets and Chicken nuggets.  I miss you and love you, Gran. 

I have to admit that after losing a child dealing with other losses is much easier.  Nothing will ever compare to the feeling of your heart being ripped out of your chest.  That is a pain that I will live with every day, and I would not wish that pain even on my worst enemy.  I am naturally a very sensitive person, but ever since March 10th, 2011 I am a stronger person.  I can take criticism, I don't cry as easily (unless we are talking about Bella) and I am able to deal with death differently then I would have in the past.

With all of this said, these days I feel like I am a walking ball of misery.  I miss Bella like crazy and there is nothing that I can do about it.  My Gran passed away and it is another reminder of how precious life is.  I am coming upon the 1 year anniversary of the day that Bella got her wings and I am saddened at how much time has gone by.  I feel like I have a dark cloud over my hear and it will not go away.

I miss you Sunshine!  You are and will always be the brightest light in my life.

Mommy

The same old......

It has been a while since I posted anything and sometimes I feel like I am just posting the same things over and over again.  I write about how much I miss her and how I wish that she was still here.  I write about how I want to make her proud of me and how she will never be replaced.  If I get tired of writing the same things, I can imagine how tiring it is to read it.  But in the end, this is a place for me to write about my feelings and once agin my feelings bring me to that same dark place.

With March 10th approaching, I cannot beleive that we are coming upon 1 year since the worst day of my life.  A day that started with laughs, hugs and kisses and ended in tears and dispair.  I cannot go back to that day and I don't know if I will ever be able to.  Driving home from the hospital with an empty car seat and knowing that my daughter was in a room without me is a memory that will haunt me forever.  1 year or 10 years and that day will always be hard.

I am happy that this year is a leap year and that I have an extra day to prolong that day from coming.  In the end that day is just like any other.  There is nothing different about that day, the loss is still there.  I guess it is just the fact that I know what happened the year before on that day that makes it hard. 

I miss you so much Princess.  I hope that you are watching me with smiles and giggles and saying Mommy if you only knew how beautiful heaven was you would never want to take me from here.  Heaven is more beautiful with you in it , baby girl.

Sweet dreams Monkey,
Mommy

Happy Valentine's Day Bella Baby

This day last year was a great day with Bella.  I picked her up from school and I gave her a pink hippopotamus.  At first she did not know that she thought of this hippo.  But then she showered it with kisses and was calling it Inamus.  That  hippo is presently sitting in her crib with some of her other favourite toys like Upsy Daisy.  I remember exactly what she was wearing that day, pink stretchy pants and a pink shirt/dress with hearts and ruffles.  She was laid to rest in that same dress.  I remember when we got home from school we looked at her Valentines cards and mommy snuck some of her chocolates because Bella wasn't allowed chocolate.   Frank and Bella had given me a beautiful card and Bella and I had gotten one for daddy.  Frank surprised me because he had also gotten one for Belle which was his second love.

I think of that day with smiles and tears.  I love that memory and I am saddened that we will not have the opportunity to make more.

Daddy, Inamus and I miss you with all our hearts sweet girl.  Happy Valentine's Day.

Love always and forever,
Mommy

Hope

The dreaded March 10th is one month from tomorrow.  I cannot believe that it has almost been 1 year since the worst day of my life.  Where has the year gone? We are having a 1 year mass at our church for Isabella on the 1 year anniversary of her passing.  I do not like to use the word dead, or death.  It hurts me to use that word in the same sentence as my precious girl.  Even though passing means the same thing, it does not stir up as much emotion as the other.

This past year has brought so many lows that it is hard to count.  Yet no low can compare to the ones that I felt at the beginning of our loss.  That sense of hopelessness and lack of reason to live.  I would pray and pray that God made a mistake and that he was to take me instead.   The  hate for myself for not preventing this and the anger at God for making this happen.  It was a dark place that I never saw myself getting out of.

I can say now that I do have days where I catch myself laughing.  Usually it is at my husband for doing something silly.  I even have moments where I am able to find beauty in something, such as the moon or the stars.   I am not fully out of the dark and I am far from being "better".  I don't think that "better" will ever come.  But for today I have hope that the future will bring joy for us.  Hopefully this hope will last until tomorrow because with each day brings different emotions.

I will stick with hope for today.

Sweet dreams Little Monkey

The New Me

Everyone who has lost a child or someone close to them knows that you are never that same person that you once were.  I am still trying to figure out the person that I now am.  I used to love huge gatherings, loud parties with family and friends, staying up late or spending a whole day shopping.  I still do like seeing family and friends, except now I prefer smaller gatherings.  The loud gatherings that I had once enjoyed, now only bring me agitation and discomfort.  I don't find joy in buying purses and jackets as I once did.  What brings me joy now is sitting at home as my husband rubs my feet as we watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory. 

Don't get me wrong, I do have good days.  But my good days now will never be as good as they once were.  I am not able to get as excited as I used to.  It is as if my excitement get stuck inside of me and is unable to come out.  I wonder if people take my reactions to good news as me being uninterested, or if they can truly see that I am happy for them.  So many people in my life have amazing things happening to them and I am truly happy for them all.  I just hope that people can see that even though my reactions have changed, my heart has not.

Messages

Today at school one of my students who regularly makes me pictures or crafts brought in a picture that she had made for me at home.  The picture was in the shape of a house and it was all decorated with ribbons.  In the centre of the house she had glued on a card that was from Mount Sinai Hospital.  Mount Sinai is the hospital where many of our donations go to because there is a doctor there who specialises in Infectious Disease, one of them being the Strep A virus.  In the summer my family had a picnic and raised money for Strep A research.  I kept looking at the picture and was amazed that there was a Mount Sinai card right in the centre of it.

I wonder if that is a sign that all of the efforts that my family, friends and I are doing at donating to Mount Sinai is being acknowledged and appreciated from above.  Maybe Bella is saying, "Mommy I know that you are trying to make a difference".  Or I wonder if it is just me trying to pull some kind of meaning from every little thing that happens.

All that I know is that I am constantly searching for some message to show me that she sees and knows all that we are doing.  I want some form of confirmation that she is right beside me even though I cannot see her or hear her. 

I miss you monkey and look forward to the day that I can hold you again.

Mommy

Forgiveness

I read a quote today and I thought that I would share it with everyone.  It is about forgiveness.  "Forgiveness, is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed".  This quote struck home with me.  I think that I need to forgive myself for so many things.  Firstly, not being able to prevent Isabella's death.  I need to forgive myself for trusting the doctors that she would be okay.  I need to forgive myself for not being home to out her to sleep the last night that she was alive.  There are so many things that I need to forgive myself for.  I know deep in my heart that I was the best mother that I could have been.  Isabella was and still is my world.  Everything that I did revolved around her happiness.  Yet, the only things that I can concentrate on are the things that I would have done differently.

Why is it so much easier to forgive other people over forgiving yourself?  I forgive the doctors for not taking her illness more seriously.  I forgive God for taking my baby girl so soon.  I have forgiven them long ago, yet I just cannot forgive myself. 

I definitely am not ready to give up hope that the past can be changed.  I guess that part of me still believes that tomorrow I will wake up and this will all be a dream. 

I love you and miss you sweet girl.

Hope and Courage

I have been doing lots of writing about my ups and downs lately.  Unfortunately, as I look back at my most recent posts, I can see that I have been experiencing more downs then ups. The past few days have surprised me and brought me some hope and courage.  There is no reason why that I can think of to be feeling like this.  The weather is still dark and wet, the days still feel super long and Bella is still not here is body. 

I am presently trying to concentrate on what I do have versus what I don't.  I have an amazing husband whom I love very much.  Isabella inherited his quizzical look, his soft voice and his gentle demeanor.  I look at him and I can see her looking back at me.  Some days it is so hard to see any good in the world, but the past few days given me little glimpses of light.   Each morning I am trying to set my intention for the day as I tell myself that today I will be strong, today I will have a good day.  Some days that works, others not so much.

Someone told me early on in my grief that my job is just to put one foot in front of the other.  That is all that I can do right now.  I am sure that some days I will fall but I have to just try and get back up again.

Today, I hope for us all to have a little hope and a lot of courage.

Marisa 

Will she remember?

They say that children are resilient at a young age.  I heard  that if they experience trauma, such as losing a parent they recover more quickly then adults.  Unfortunately sometimes at a very young age memories fade more quickly.  That is my worry with Bella.  I know that I am not as resilient at this age.  I will not recover as easily as she would if I would have passed. 

I wonder if in heaven she will remember all of the memories that we had.  Will she remember her first time on a sled or our day at the pumpkin patch? Will she remember out nightly dances or our hide and seek games?  My fear is that her memories of me will fade and when I do finally meat up with her again, that she will not remember.

I know that it is totally silly, yet it is still something that I wonder and truly fear.

Miss you monkey,

Mommy

Ten Months...

Ten months of missing you.
Ten months of wondering why.
Ten months of asking why me?
Ten months of asking what I could have done differently.
Ten months of imaging what you would look like now.
Ten months of crying myself to sleep.
Ten months of overwhelming sadness.
Ten months of overwhelming guilt.
Ten months of begging God to erase what has already been done.
Ten months without you in my arms.

Isabella, I miss you more then I ever thought humanly possible.  You are all that I ever needed in this world. Our family will never be the same without you.

I love you!

Peaks and Valleys

The past week has been a hard one.  You read about how grief has peeks and valleys but until you experience one of those peeks you do not fully understand.  Even though everyday I feel grief, the past week I have experienced similar grief to that that I experienced in the early months of Bella's passing.  I just miss Bella so much and some days all I want to do is stay in bed and close my eyes.  I have been dreaming of Bella lately and each time I wake up it is as if I have been punched in the stomach.  I get that intense pain at the realisation that it was just a dream. 


Everywhere I look I see children that would be the same age that Isabella would have been.  Just last night we went for dinner with my sister and my brother in law and at the table right beside us was a little boy who was turning two and blowing out his birthday candles.  Of course, my judgmental side came out.  I wondered why a 2 year old was out at 10:00pm at night.  I wondered why the parents of that boy were ignoring him as they drank their wine.  I wondered why the parents were to busy to notice that the boy was tired as he demonstrated tired behaviour such as wining and rubbing his eyes.  I wondered most of all, why they were given the opportunity to celebrate their child's 2nd birthday and I was not given that same luxury.  I hate being judgemental but at that moment that is all I could do.  I am sure that the boys parents are lovely people and maybe the child had a late afternoon nap so that he could stay up later that night.  I am just so envious of that moment that they hand with their child.


I am back at work on Monday and I hope to see an improvement in my attitude.  I guess that being home all day gives me to much time to think and feel sorry for myself.  I hope that being back at work will distract me, even if only for a little bit. 


Even though grief is a lifelong thing, I am hoping that I will see more valleys in the future and will gain more courage and strength to get through all of the upcoming peaks.

All the Best in 2012

It is a new month, in new year and with this brings mixed emotions. I have to say that I am surprised that I have made it through 2012 and am still standing. When I think back to the morning of March 11th and the way my life had no purpose or meaning, it amazes me that I did not give up on life for good.

I can't help but hope that maybe this year will bring positive things to our life. Yet, I am still sad that 2011 is over. I can say that for three months of 2011, I was raising my healthy happy girl. Even though 9 months of that year was horrible, January, February and March make up for it. Isabella existed in 2011, she was alive and healthy. I cannot say the same for 2012 and that makes me sad.

I wonder what this year will bring for me and my family. I hope that there is no more tragedy and pain. No more sadness and grief. Instead I wish for love, strength and hope.

All the best to all in 2012.

Got through the holidays

I have gotten through the holidays, or have I? Does it count when you retreat in your home and pretend that the holiday does not exist? Does it count when you ignore the phone because you are afraid that someone is going to say the dreaded words of Merry Christmas? Does it count when you do not rush through the malls searching for the perfect gift for the people that you love. I know deep down that I did not really get through the holidays because I did not acknowledge that the day was here. The only decorations that I saw were the ones that family had placed with Isabella at the Cemetery.

I know that next year if I do decide to acknowledge the holiday it will be just as hard or even harder as it was this year. I know that some day I will have to put up a Christmas tree, attempt the malls for Christmas Shopping and even attend Holiday parties. The one thing that will be consistent every year is that I will have to go to the Cemetery in order to visit my baby girl. That is something that I will never enjoy, or never get used to. It is one of those things in life that you don't want to do because it is so unnatural.

My husband pointed something out to me at the cemetery. Isabella is resting in an area that has a large window. Outside the window is a tree that was decorated with ornaments. The whole cemetery has trees surrounding it but the tree that is in front of Isabella's window is the only one that is decorated. Isabella is the only person facing that window because she is in a section of the cemetery all on her own. I may never know who decorated that tree, but I will forever be grateful to that person. They took the time to do something special for someone that they may not even know. I like to think that there are Angels that look after the cemetery and they do special things like this to put a smile on our faces.

Thank you to all of the Angels in my life that are there for me today and always.

Thoughtful People

The month is almost over and then I can say that I got through my first Christmas without Bella. I never thought that I would have made it to this point, but here I am. I have met many people throughout these last months that have become very special to me. There is a man who I met in my child loss group who lost his teenage son 9 years ago. He walks near my school every morning because he lives in the area. He stopped by my school Thursday morning to tell me that he was thinking of Frank and I and knew how hard this weekend was going to be. I was thouched that through his own greif he thought of us enough to let us know that we were in his thoughts. As I have said before, parents who have lost a child are all part of a club that we never wanted to join. I am yet to meet a bereaved parent who is not willing to help out another parent in need.


I have to say that I have been honoured the last few days by the donation tributes that have been coming in through the mail. My sister and her family as well as cousins and their families have made donations to a Canadian Dr. who does research and testing for Strep A and other Infectious diseases. I know that Isabella is so proud and honoured that people are helping while honouring her at the same time. My aunt and cousin bought clothes that would fit a two year old girl and are donating them to a charity. This is the first year that I can actually say that I understand the true meaning of Christmas and it looks like I am not the only one.

I always worry that people are going to forget about Isabella and how special she was. Instead my family has shown me that she is now and will always be at the centre of their hearts. If my family is reading this, I want them to know that I am truly grateful for them, their support and their generosity.

Best wishes for everyone, no matter what you celebrate. I am thankful for your kind words, support and that you take the time to read about my jourey through loss.

God Bless

Bella in Kindergarten

Today at work a little boy in my Kindergarten class put a real smile on my face. His behaviour reminds me so much of Isabella. He is so independent and likes to do everything on his own. It reminds me of Bella and how she could be so persistent in trying to do things on her own. It was one of the many qualities about her that I love so much. The boy in my class does not like any other students in the class hold his hand or touch him. Even though Bella loved to sit on my lap and cuddle and kiss but she hated when anyone held her hand. She did not like her hands confined and always needed them free to touch whatever she wanted. When we were walking on the sidewalk I would often have to hold her wrists so she could not pull her hands free, she hated that.

Watching this boy today was like watching what Bella would have been like in a few years. I imagine that she would have been that same way in Kindergarten. She would have insisted on completing things by herself even if it took her ten times longer then everyone else. She would have refused to hold hands with other students, even if the rest of the students were doing it. She would have been that student right at the front at circle time, just so she could hear the story perfectly and have a clear view of the pictures.

I am able to see some of Bella in the students in my class and for a moment it is as if I am watching her right in front of me.
I know that my daughter would have loved Kindergarten and the teacher and students would have love her.

Busy time of year.

Everyday at work I sit through people discussing how busy this time of year is and how they are going crazy trying to finish their Christmas shopping. I hate to say this but I am jealous of all of them. I am jealous of the people whose biggest worry was if they are going to finish their shopping on time or if they did not find the perfect gift for that special someone. I remember when that was me and those were my biggest worries.

Christmas once used to be a time of running around, Christmas visits, Holiday music and Christmas Cheer. This year Christmas is none of that. Instead it is just a day. A day that is causing me anxiety and stress. Not because I am rushing around and doing shopping, but instead because I am missing my girl.

Miss you Bella baby, today and always

Mommy

Nine Months of Empty Arms

Yesterday marked nine months since I have held Bella in my arms. I still cannot believe that it has been that long, it just does not seem real to me. I think of all of the memories that the first nine months of her life brought and it upsets me because that is all that I am left with.

I wonder if in heaven you have memories of your earthly life. I wonder if Bella thinks of me, or if she misses me. They say that in heaven there is no time, so maybe she does not even realise how long we have been apart. I just hope that she does not see me crying or know that I am sad without her. The hardest thing is knowing that her spirit is around me and not being able to see her or touch her.

Every night I pray for strength and courage for myself and my family. I pray for the strength to face another day and the courage to let my guard down and trust in the universe and Gods plan for me. Please continue to pray for my family and that we can someday enjoy this beautiful world once again.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I have posted a poem below that was given to me by my aunt. I wanted to share it with everyone because it is so beautiful. Even though the words do bring me some comfort, I wish more then anything that Isabella was celebrating with me instead of Jesus.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear for I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing
or love He has for each of you.

A nice quote

I read a quote yesterday and it really struck home with me. It was, "the more precisely you plan your future, the harder destiny hits." I cannot beleive how much I could relate to those words. When Bella passed away, I was in the process of planning when we would get pregnant with our next child and the age difference that Bella and that child would have between them. I planned that I wanted to keep Bella at her Montessorri school until grade one, when I would then bring her to the school that I teach at. I think that sometimes God wants to remind us that he is in charge, not us. What better way to do that then to shake up someones life.

I now fear making future plans because I don't know what that the next 24 hours will bring, never mind the next 25 years. when you really think about it, we try our best to be good parents who teach our children to be good people. Sometimes, we have no control over the outcome of our childrens lives and that is a scary thing.

I guess that the only thing that we could do is hope for the best and know that God is always watching over them. In my case, I know that Bella is watching over me and protecting me from above.