To finding the good life once again.

Good LIfe

Lately I have been looking at Bella's picture and asking myself if I could have made up all of the many memories that I have. Is it possible that I imagined all of the dances that we shared, the songs that we sang, the sleepless nights, the cuddles, the kisses and so much more.


People reading this may think that this seems odd or even cruel to be thinking such a thing. My response to that would be that I am so happy that you do not understand this because that means that you have never experienced child loss.


It is not as if I am wishing that the memories were not real. I just feel like such a different person then I was those months ago. I am no longer that person who thinks that everything will always be okay. I now know that bad things could happen to good people. I know that those memories are real and I am thankful for that. It just seems to cruel that I was given a taste of the good life and then it was taken away.

Here is to finding the Good Life once again.

Trick or Treat

Halloween is almost here and I am hoping that is leaves as quickly as it came. I am going to be that house that has the lights out and does not give out candy. Let's just hope that we don't wake up to eggs on the door or any other part of the house. Last year Isabella was dressed up as a butterfly, how fitting. She was wrapped up so warm and we went trick or treating with our friends and their daughter. She was such a good sport and never complained about the butterfly head peace or the big warm costume. Instead in Isabella style she enjoyed every minute of it. She even tried saying trick or treat. Frank and I ate all of her candies because she was not aloud sweets. I hope that she is picking out a costume in heaven. I know that in her costume she will be beautiful no matter what she chooses.

A friend of mine is having a fundraiser this weekend to raise money for the BC Children's Hospital in honour of her son Jack Wilbee. He amazing son passed away on March 3rd, 2011. I was introduced to the story of Jack through reading the blog myonlybabydiedmar32011.blogspot.com/. If you have time stop by and read the story of Jack's life and the amazing strength that he has portrayed through his life. If you would like to donate to the event in his name you can find the information on the blog. I wish that there was no need for children's hospitals around the world. But the truth is that children are not immune to the diseases of the world and they are at risk as much as the rest of us.

I ask you to join me today in praying for all of the children around the world who are sick and suffering and all of the parents and families who have to helplessly sit by and watch them suffer.

Marisa

Unmotivated

The past few days I have felt the darkness outside and the chill get to me emotionally. It has added to my already not so happy state. When I get up in the morning and have to drive to work in the dark, it makes me feel unmotivated to want to do anything. The colder weather brings back so many memories of Isabella. The last time that I saw Isabella was in the month of March and the weather was very cold. I would always run from the car to the house with her in my arms and she would bop up and down and smile because she thought that is was fun. I also remember how much she loved her winter hat. I bought her a hat from Roots and she loved it. Thank goodness because if not we would have had some problems getting it on her head. I already find the winter months depressing and am very afraid for the months to come.

I have been thinking lately of the prospect of having more children. Although I want more children I don't know if I will ever be the mother that I once was. I am so afraid of loving someone as much as I love Isabella and of being hurt again. God does not keep tabs and I do not get a free pass. There is no guarantee that my future will be pain free. This is something that will haunt me forever. I wonder how this fear will effect me as a parent. Isabella and Franks were my life and still are. I just don't know how it is possible to love anyone else as much as I love her. I know that many people who have second children feel this way and that in the end thier heart has more then enough love to share. This is just one of the man thoughts that go through my head.

Today I tool a mental health day. I took the day off of work to watch t.v, do laundry, and just be on my own. I am hoping that this will help me to reenergise for the rest of the week. I think that I need faith to get through this upcoming winter season. I need to beleve that she is with me and happy and that she sees exactly what I am doing. I don't want her to see me upset. I want her to be worry free just as children should be. I will try my best to be strong for her.

I think that people see me during the day and assume that I am "better". In my support group we talked about how losing a child is like losing a limb. You may get a fake leg and be able to walk and go on with your day. People who don't know you don't know that you have lost your leg. Even those who do know you see you walking and think that you are okay. Yet every moment of every day you are aware that your leg is gone. There is not a moment of the day that you forget that a peice of you is missing. The only thing that you could do is put one foot in front of the other and not forget to breathe.

Quiet time

Another week has gone and another weekend is here. My weekends have become my quiet time after a long week. On my weekends I look forward to sitting with a book, watching a movie and surfing the computer. Those quiet moments help me to heal as well as to rest up for the upcoming week. When Isabella first passed those quiet moments used to haunt me. It was during those quiet times that I would relive that terrible day in my head over and over. It was as if I couldn't not shut of the chaos that was going on in my head. It is only now that those quiet moments have become something different. It is in those quiet moments that I can feel those chills up my arms that I now know means that she is giving me a big hug. It is in those moments that I can talk to her and tell her how I am feeling and imagine her blowing me kisses to make me feel better. I cherish those moments and even though my weekends have become something different then they once were, it is still something that I looked forward to each and every week.

As I am getting right to post this, I losten to a story of a father who murdered his three month old child. I am so angry to hear this and cannot understand why someone would want to hurt such an innocent child. What a crazy world.

I hope that everyone has a safe and happy weekend.

Marisa

Butterfly

The most amazing thing happened to me on Thanksgiving Monday. I had went to the cemetery on Monday morning to visit Isabella and to take away all of the deflated balloons from her birthday. I got to spend some time with Isabella before the cemetery got busy. I had a good cry as I looked at her beautiful face and reminisced about the fun that we had this time last year. I prayed with her and asked God to give her kisses for me. I let her know that I would be okay even though my heart is in pieces. I encouraged her to explore in heaven and not to worry about me. Even though I may cry, she has a bigger and more important job in heaven then taking care of me. I asked her to please keep sending me signs so that I know that she is okay as well as with me. When I came home I noticed a water stain on our coffee table. When I looked at the table carefully I noticed that is was in the shape of a butterfly. It was Isabella letting my know that she had heard my words and that she was with me always. I love her so much and this is proof that our bond is something that cannot be broken. I read somewhere that the only thing between us us here on earth and the spirit world is an invisible veil. I truly believe that now. I still wish that she was here with my in physical body but I now can say for sure that she is here in spirit.

Thank you Bella for always knowing what I need.

Mommy

Thanksgiving Weekend

It is Thanksgiving weekend and Frank and I have decided that we would spend the weekend on our own. I know that Bella is probably not happy with my decision because she loved being with her family and I am sure that she wants us to be happy. I just think that this is what we need at this time. Don't get me wrong, I love being with my family but the holidays are just to hard.

This time last year, Frank,Bella and I spent the day at the Pumpkin Patch. We went on a wagon ride, and looked at all of the pumpkins. Isabella loved being outside and loved it even more because she was doing it with Mommy and Daddy. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I wish more then anything that I could go back to that day.

I spent some time today thining about what I am Thankful for. I came up with the little list below.

I am thankful for....
My family
My faith
My memories
My friends
All of the greiving parents that I have met along the way
My husband who means the world to me
My daughter Isabella who is my world
The nine months of carrying Isabella and the 18 months that I got to spend with my baby girl.

On this Thanksgiving weekend I am Thankful for many things. Thank you to all of the people who allow me to cry, scream or just be silent. But most of all thank you for continuing to speak of Isabella and for loving her as much as you did when she was with us. Thank you Isabella for showing me true love and for making me the most proud mom in the world.

Long Island Medium

I watched a show last night called Long Island Medium. The Medium named Theresa spoke to a mother who suddenly lost her six year old son. My heart sank and I could not help but cry through the whole show. The words that the boy was saying to his mother were the words that I need to hear. He let her know that he is okay and that he is always with her. I wish that I could sit and have a conversation with my baby girl. I wish that she could tell me that she was not scared in the hospital and that she knew that Daddy and I were there, even though we were not alloued to see her. I wish that she could tall me that somebody was waiting for her on the other side and that she did not pass through those golden gates on her own. She is my little girl and I will always worry about her. I Love you Bella and I will miss you every day as long as I live.

Mommy

I am busy again

It has been a while since I have written. It is not because I have nothing to say but because I have been super busy. I have been back at work since the last week of August and on top of that I am taking a religion course every Monday and some weekends and that will continue until December. I have also joined a new Child Loss Group which I attend once a week. For the last seven months I have not had that feeling of being busy and I have to say that the feeling is very familiar. I remember the feeling of rushing to Isabella's school, struggling to make dinner as she ripped all of the plastic bags from the drawer. I remember not even being able to go to the washroom in silence because Isabella always wanted to be in there with me. I remember the feeling of being busy and I missed that it.

Last week on the news I saw that a scientist believes that he has diproven Eisenstein's theory of nothing being faster then the speed of light. The scientist feels that if this is true that Time Travel may be possible. It made me wish that this was true and that I could go back in time, even just for a moment. Even just to tell her that I love her one last time, or to run my finger through her curls, or to have her sleep with her head on my tummy. Al of those things that I took for granted, that now I am relying on a time machine to go back in time to experience once again.

The past week as been full of ups and downs. It is exactly like the book says. Greif sneeks up on you when you least expect it an it makes itself nice and comfortable. I knew that this month would be difficult but I never expected to feel as low as the lows feel. I guess that this is just practice for all of the birthdays and anniversaries that are to come.

Wish me luck

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPECIAL GIRL

Happy Birthday Baby Girl.

On this day two years ago I became a mom to the most amazing little girl. She had us wrapped aruond her finger as soon as we looked into her eyes. On that day I never imagined that I would end up here, but here I am. I never imagined that I would be singing Happy Birthday to a picture and a Birthday Balloon. I guess this is my new normal.

This morning we went to the cemetary to visit Isabella. We brought her a Happy 2nd Birthday balloon and a Birthday card. It was hard to sit there and look at her picture and wonder if she is celebrating her Birthday in heaven. We bought some of Isabella's favourite books and some colouring books from cartoons that she liked and brought them to her school. I know that she would be happy with that. I made her a heart shaped Birthday cake this morning and even though it did not come out as good as the one that I made her last year, I am happy that I made it. I want to make her a cake every year on her day.

I was suprised to come home as see a vase of flowers at the door. The flowers were Gerbera Daiseys which are my favourite. The flowers were from the Principal at Isabella's school as well as her teacher. I knew that there was someting special about that place when I registered there and now I know that it is the people that work there. The card read that they are thinking of beautiful Isabella today and always.

Later today I am going to have a peice of her birthday cake and release a Birthday Balloon with a special message for her on it. I wish I could do more but for now this is how it needs to be.

I miss you Bella and look forward to the day when I can join your birthday party once again.

Six Months

Yesterday marked six months since Isabella has passed. It is weird because for the first time I am actually feeling that I have to wait years and years to see her again. I guess that I always knew it but when you hear six months it puts into perspective how long it will be. Six months is a third of her life, that is so long.

I don't like the idea that I will not be the same person when that time comes. I wonder if I will be the same silly mommy that she knows and loves. I wonder if she will like the mommy that I become. I want to be the same person that she knows but know that with time and life experiences people change. I just don't want to harden, become angry and bitter. Isabella would definitely not recognise me then.

Yesterday was also my father's birthday and I know that Isabella was right there with us. She was right there on Grandpa's lap blowing out the candles and sharing his carrot cake with him. It was a hard day for all of us but we all knew that Isabella would have wanted us to celebrate.

I am half way through the month of September and have to admit that the month of September will always be a hard month for me.

Miss you Bella,

Mommy

Time is nothing but a word

My first day of school is done and I have to admit it was no so bad. It was hard seeing all of the parents with cameras taking pictures of their children's first day of school and knowing that I will never be taking those pictures with Isabella. I am now kicking myself for not taking a picture of Isabella on her first day of Montessori/preschool. I thought that I would have time to do all of those things, but I now realise that time is nothing but a word.

The parents of my new students were all wonderful and what I once thought were overbearing parents, I now see as parents who love their children so much. I think that my perspective has changed and I am now going to be a better teacher because of it.

When speaking with my sister today she said something that sums up exactly what I was feeling today. She said that at times of the day you get so overwhelmed with what you are doing that you forget that you have a life out of school. At times I forget that I have a daughter that is living in heaven and watching over me. It is a bitter sweet feeling because those moments bring peace but after that moment passes you remember that you are going straight home instead of picking up your child from school.

Isabella was watching me today and is watching me everyday. That is the only reason that I was strong enough to get through the day.

Thank you Bella for always helping Mommy through the tough times.

Mommy

Tomorrow........

Tomorrow is the first official day of the school year. I have been into my classroom and my room is ready to go. I have had the opportunity to see all of my coworkers and have to say that everyone was very good. I was worried that people would dwell on the question of how are you.... To my surprise everyone was very normal which made my transition into returning to work easier.

I questioned changing schools when Isabella passed thinking that it may be easier to be around people who did not know my situation. I am so happy that I decided against that. I am so blessed with great friends at work and truly cherish their support. I am surprised that I have no Isabella's in my class this year due to the fact that it is such a popular name. I was a little worried about that but had no worry to. I am searching for a picture of Isabella to place on my desk so that I will always be able to see her beautiful face. I need to have her will me at school to get me through those tough days. Just look at that face!

I love you Bella!

Another angel in heaven

Thank you to everyone who sent me an e-mail and decided to continue reading my blog. I am honoured that you would want to follow along as I express my hopes and fears, depending on the day.

I received devastating news the other day that a friend of a relative of mine had a terrible loss. Her child passed away in his sleep, otherwise known as SIDS. My heart goes out to that family and I know to well the pain that they are going through.

I know the anger towards God, toward yourself and towards the universe for causing this terrible thing to happen. I know the lack of compassion towards anyone because the only pain that you are able to feel is your own, and no other pain matters. I know the bitterness towards every other person who has a living child (even complete strangers) because this happened to you and not to them. I know the unwillingness to take care of yourself (not eating healthy meals, not wearing your seat belt) because you do not care about yourself anymore. I know to well the will to be with them and begging God to take you as well because you could not bear another moment without your child.

Somewhere along the way I also began to know the little glimpses of hope and faith that you will see your child again. I experienced the moments when you get shivers for no reason because your child is sending you a big hug. I know the support of family and friends that carry you at times when you are unable to stand.

Unfortunately you have to go through the darkest moments in order to see the light that is at the end waiting for you. I have not fully gotten to that bright light but I know that I am on my way. I know that my future will be bright and that some day my tears will be replaced with laughter. My journey has just began and it is going to be a long road to travel. But I know that I am not travelling it alone. I have a fantastic husband who is also an outstanding father. Most of all I have a little monkey named Isabella who is dancing along beside us and cheering us in at times when we feel low. The three Cappelli's will get through this together and for that I am truly grateful.

Please keep that precious baby boy on your prayers.

Do not stand at my grave and cry

Any mother who has lost a child has probably experienced the guilt that you feel when you do not visit your child at the place where their body has been laid to rest. I have been feeling extremely guilty because I once would visit her there and feel comfort but now as soon as I get in the car to drive there I feel anxious. I don't like thinking about where her actual body is, or that when I turn around and leave that I am leaving her physical body behind. It takes everything in me not to break down that wall and hold her in my arms, kiss her little lips and twirl her curls around my fingers. I feel closer to her in my own house. I feel her presence in my bedroom and in her play room. I know that she is here with us, and not here behind that wall. All that is there is the shell of a body that was once her. Even though I know this, I still wish that I could hold her body in my arms and take her home where she belongs.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning rush
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quit birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there I did not die.

Written by: Mary Elizabeth Frye

email address is wrong!

My sister pointed out that the e-mail account that I posted is sending the -mails back. I figured out that I spelt beauty wrong on the account. So please send your email to bellabeuty@hotmail.com an I will send you an invite to the blog..

Thanks,
Marisa

Back to work!

The summer is almost over and in a few weeks I am returning back to work. I am looking forward to the distraction, the routine and to meeting all of my new students. As of next week my blog is going to be by invitation only. I appreciate all of you who have been reading my blog and I hope that you continue to do so. I am just trying to prevent any of the students from my school reading my blog. Even though I do not speak of anything inappropriate I would like to keep my personal life and work life separate. If you would like to continue reading my blog please send me an e-mail at bellabeauty@hotmail.com and I will send you and e-mail to invite you to the blog.

Thank you for all of your support.

Marisa

Comfort

The past week has been a difficult one. A very close friend of ours lost their mother and it is always hard seeing people that you love in pain. I am now getting used to seeing bad things happen to good people.

The mass was held at the same church where we had Isabella's mass and the resting place is the same mausoleum where Isabella is. I wanted to be there to support my friends because they have always been there for us, but I found it extremely difficult. It was hard being there and knowing that just five months earlier I was there celebrating the life of my daughter. I was able to sit through the mass which was beautiful. I find the church a very comforing place, I just wish that I had brought Isabella there more. Although I did go to the mosoleam, I did not stay for the burial. Instead I went to see Isabella and tried to get some comfort from her. I know that sounds weird that visiting her there would give me comfort. Just seeing her face, seeing her name and talking to her gives me comfort. She is my best friend and best friends comfort each other.

I miss you Bella!

Five Months

Yesterday marked five months since Isabella has went to heaven. I feel like it just happened yesterday yet I miss her like she has been gone for fifty years. Next month would have marked her second birthday. I already had it planned out. It was going to be an animal themes since she loved animals and I was going to do it as the farm. I was going to make her a farm animal cake, and have farm animal decorations. I am not sure what that day will bring but I do know that it will not be easy.

We went out to dinner on Monday with some family and right beside our table was a big blue butterfly (fake one) hanging in the plant. None if the other tables that we saw had one but ours. I think that was her way of saying that she was joining us for dinner. My daughter was not one to miss a good meal, just like her mommy!

Love you Bella,
Mommy

My little teacher's pet

My internet has not been working for the past week which left me not only unable to blog but also unable to keep up with everyone else blog. It is amazing how lost you can feel without internet access. Last week I had an extraordinary visit with Isabella's teacher and the principal from her school. As I have written in previous blogs Isabella's school is blessed with wonderful people from the teachers to the cook that made all of her lunches. I had them over for lunch and we exchanged stories about Isabella. It was so amazing to hear about all of the things that she did at school, stories that I would have otherwise never heard. It seems that my daughter was a little teachers pet, wanting to help set up for lunch and always listening when her name was called (which according to her teacher, the other children did not do).

Isabella and her teacher had a very special bond and her teacher felt very guilty after Isabella had passed. She felt like maybe she could have done more to prevent this from happening. I reassured her that there was nothing that she, I or the doctors could do. They brought me pictures of Isabella at school and I could not help but laugh and cry at the same time while I looked at them. I laughed because in every picture she had her mischievous little smile and I cried because I saw how happy she was there. In one picture she has this smile that is so full of love and happiness. That type of smile that only comes when you are experiencing such true joy. That same picture they have hung in a frame in the classroom, and it makes me happy that they have done that. The parents and the teachers at the school also did a fundraiser in her name and raised money for the Sick Kid's Hospital. This is a fundraiser that they will continue to do every year.

That visit meant so much to me because I was afraid that the people at her school would forget about her and that would just brake my heart. But instead they are honouring her life and I think that Isabella is smiling down at that thought. I know that when we were having our lunch she was right there with us listening and laughing as we exchanged stories.

We will never forget you my sweet angel.

Peek a boo!!

This video was taken by my cousin Alex whom Isabella loves!!! This is just a little peek at what a little Monkey Isabella is. She was always happy and wanted to make everyone around her happy. She did a great job at that. Hopefully this video will bring a smile to all of your faces as it does for me.

Marisa

You are not alone

This song has brought so much comfort to me over the last few weeks. I wanted to share it with everyone in hopes that it may bring you all some comfort.


Marisa

The big blue butterfly

The other day I had the most amazing experience with a butterfly. I have not seen very many butterflies this year. Although the ones that I have seen have always come at times of need, times when I needed comfort or a sign.

On Saturday I was going outside to wait for my sister, brother in law and my God daughter to come over for the afternoon. I walked to the area between our house and my neighbour/good friends house. I don't like calling them my neighbours because they have become more like family to us. They have been a constant source of support during the past months. The are between our houses is quite big so we designated it as our little piazza. It has a little table with chairs, flower pots, herb pots and tiki lights. We often sit there at night and have a coffee, beer, or just chat. Well on that particular Saturday a big blue butterfly came for a visit and was not scared of by me. It flew around my head, my arms, my shoulders and just kept circling me. I have never seen a butterfly that was so comfortable being so close to people. It stayed to welcome my sister and her family, and even posed for pictures. I have not seen the butterfly since. The beautiful part is that inside one of the flower pots in the piazza I placed a big blue butterfly and said that this is so Isabella is always here with us. I guess that Isabella wanted to make her presence known. She truly is the best! Thank you Bella, mommy loves you.

Send Me On My Way

On the hot and sticky day I am inside my air conditioned house and am listening to a C.D that my brother in law Charlie had made for Isabella's service. It is a C.D filled with Isabella's favourite songs. I can just imagine her dancing with a huge smile on her face saying, "Mommy what took you so long?" Believe me, I have tried to listen to this music before but have not been strong enough. I don'"t know if I am stronger or braver, but I am listening to her music in hopes that it brings her closer to me. Her favourite song that we used to dance to every night is the first song on the C.D and I never realised what the song was called until now. It is called, Send me on my way. I wonder if she knew all along that she was going to leave me and is she was using that song to try to prepare me for it. I almost hope that she knew that it was her time and that she was okay with it. I hope that she was ready to leave.

I went to the doctors today and my doctor is the same doctor that Isabella had. He is a lovely person and he was so good with her. All of the nurses at his office loved her and she knew it. The last time that we were there she was running behind the reception desks and trying to go through the receptionist purses and of course nobody minded. One nurse was particularly fond of Isabella and would always tickle her and play with her. As soon as this nurse saw me her face changed from normal to full of sadness. It was the look that I hate to receive from people. I know that she did not mean to do it and probably did not even realise that she did. I could tell what she was thinking. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or think poor her. I am the mother of a beautiful, loving and special girl and I would not change that for anything. Instead look at me and think, wow she is so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. Even though her time here was not long enough for my liking, each moment was so special. So if you see me and are unsure what to say or what to do, please just be yourself and don't feel sorry for me.

Signs

Where have the last four months gone? It seems like yesterday that I came home from the hospital with empty arms, yet March 10th was only 4 months ago. I feel like I have not held Isabella in a lifetime, yet in reality this is only a taste of whats to come. I have been reading on many blogs that the second year is harder then the first and I cannot imagine it getting any harder. The sadness has not faded, the confusion is not gone and I am pretty certain that they never will be. The only difference in that now I do have little glimmers of hope. I hope that someday I will have more children, I hope that someday we will find a cure for Strep A and I hope that Isabella is watching me and is smiling. The only thing that I am certain about is that I will see my daughter again and that is the day that I am waiting for.

I had my first moment of forgetting this week and it took me by surprise. I was thinking of the First Halloween shirt and the Birthday shirt that Isabella wore. I was thinking of how nice it would be if I gave them to her future children as a memory of their mom. Then it hit me that Isabella will never get married or have children. It was as if I had not thought of that before and it was the first time that it hit me and I have to admit that it felt terrible.

We finally bought our couches and I know that Isabella loves them. Before we left to go couch shopping I invited Isabella to come with us and I asked her to show me a sign if she liked the couches. We found some that we liked and we thought that they would be out of our price range and miraculously they were a lot less expensive then we expected. Them when we went into the sales ladies office I saw an orange butterfly on her desk that looked similar to the ones that we placed in Isabella's flowers at the cemetery. There was my sign that Isabella was pleased. I look for these signs daily as take them as my daughter is letting me know that she is near.

I love you Bella