Beautiful Smile

When I think back to Isabella's short time here with us, I think of all of the many things that she had to go through. She was born with Hip Dysplasia, which basically means that her hips were dislocated and underdeveloped. This was detected at birth and is common in first born female children.

From 6 weeks on Isabella was in and out of the hospital for ultrasounds and x-rays to determine if her condition was improving or not. This included waking her up out of her sleep and bringing her to the hospital for early appointments. In true Isabella fashion, she did it with a smile. I cannot believe how brave and cooperative she was through all of that commotion. I am so proud of her. As if that wasn't enough, she had to wear a harness, which restricted her leg and hip movement. She had to wear the harness for 23 hours a day for the first nine months of her life. Basically she was only able to kick her legs in the bathtub or during diaper changes. Once again, she went through this with a huge smile on her face.

Isabella always had that beautiful smile on her face. She loved life, loved her family and never complained or fussed no matter what was thrown at her. I am trying to learn from her example and to trust that everything will be okay. Isabella, you are who I aspire to be like. Mommy has never been more proud of you. You are my best friend and for that I am truly blessed.

Missing you always!

I miss you

Isabella, I miss you everyday but today I realise that my missing you is a permanent part of my day. I need a hug today more then ever. Not an ordinary hug, but a Bella hug. The hug where you hold on so tight and nestle your head in my neck. The type of hug where your legs are wrapped around my waist. The hug that is accompanied by the word, Mama. The type of hug that only you can give. I miss your smile, your dancing, your kisses through the window, and especially you hugs. I MISS YOU!!!!!

I wonder.......

As I sit here now and write this entry I can't help to think that Isabella would have been 20 months old today. I wonder how much taller she would have been or how long her hair would have gotten. I wonder if her hair would have been even curlier or if I finally would have been able to tell if her eyes were green or hazel. I wonder if she finally would have grown an appreciation for potatoes or if she would have continued with her eggs and avocado streak. I wonder what new words she would have learned and what other crafts she would have made at school. I wonder if we would still sit through the Wiggles movie or if we would sit through another favourite show. I wonder how she would have looked in all of the summer clothes that I had bought her and the floppy hat that has been sitting in her closet because it has been to big to wear. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder........ My day is full if wondering and wishing that I did not have to wonder.

Happy 20 month birthday Isabella. I love you and think of you every day.

Working Through Grief

Thank you to all of my visitors today, my sister, my aunt and cousin and my mother. Having family around makes the minutes go by much faster. It also helps that they brought food and dessert. Sitting around and being able to talk about Isabella with people that love her is so important to me.

Tonight I attended a workshop on Grief and Working Through It, presented by Alan D. Wolfelt. I have to say that I initially did not want to go but with the persuasion of my mother decided to attend. I attended with my mother, my husband and a dear friend who has also experienced loss in her life. It was weird sitting in an auditorium with a bunch of people and wondering what their story was. Who had they lost that had brought them to this place? It is also comforting to be reminded that everything that I am feeling is normal and that I will eventually come to a point where I will live again. First I need to properly grieve, mourn, and allow myself as much time as I need to do so. I was reminded that the I cannot skirt the outsides of grief but only to journey through it. If anyone has the opportunity to attend one of his workshops, I would suggest doing so. It is beneficial not only for people who have experienced loss but also for people who want to properly support people who have had a loss.

Isabella, I will grieve you, mourn you and cry for you. I will never stop talking to you, loving you and praying for Mother Mary to protect you. You are now and will always be my daughter and for that I am truly blessed.

Rain, rain, go away!

Rain, rain go away! I used to love the rain because it expressed my feeling inside and because I knew that Isabella and I would not be outside running around. But I have to say that this rain is doing nothing for me. It is depressing and it stops me from going outside when I need a change of scenery or to escape the dry air in the house. Yesterday in between rain showers, my husband and I grabbed some umbrellas and took a walk. To my surprise, we ended up at my in-laws house. This is a big deal since that is the only house that I have been to since Bella has passed. We were able to put smiles on my in-laws faces because the visit was so unexpected.


My crying is turning to anxiety and a constant knot in my stomach. I almost prefer the crying because after a good cry I have a few minutes of peace. With anxiety there is no escape, it is always there lingering. I hope that this will pass too.

I miss my little monkey with all my heart and wish that she was here so that we can watch The Wiggles as she lies on my lap. I love you Princess.

Faith

I am getting used to this good day bad day routine. I don't know if I subconsciously bring on the bad days or of they just come. Today I find myself diving into the what ifs today and the run down of what I could have done differently.

I am really testing my faith today. As a Catholic School Teacher I am used to discussing God with my students in instilling the Catholic faith in them. But now I find that my faith is being tested like never before. The hardest part for my is not having proof that Isabella is happy and living a life in heaven. The only thing that gets me through is the image of her smile living on and her spreading her love in heaven.

Today I asked myself if I could go back and never have had Isabella and not feel this pain would I do it. After thinking about It my answer is NO. I have the best daughter that I could have asked for and I enjoyed every minute that I had with her. I will live with the pain in order to hold onto the memories. People reading this may ask what kind of mother would ask themselves this question. My only answer is, a mother who is living through the pain of not being able to hold, love, protect her precious daughter.

I missed you today Bella!

2 Months

Today is May 10, and this day marks 2 months since I have held my Isabella. I am finding that I am counting the days more. I am not sure if it helps me or makes me feel worse. Usually at this time of the year I am counting down the days until my aunt opens up her pool or until Canada's Wonderland opens, but now I count the days since I have been with Bella.

I started knitting again, after I had taken a little hiatus. Yesterday I sat out in the sun and knit for hours. I can say that for a long time I feared the sun but yesterday I actually enjoyed it. Since Isabella has passed I have knitted 3 scarves, unfortunately that is the only item that I have mastered. I did make Bella a blanket while I was pregnant with her and convinced that I was carrying a boy I made it green. This past winter I was planning on making her a pink scarf but was afraid that it was a strangling device and dangerous for such a young age. I had the pink yarn ready to make her for next winter when she was a little older. Knitting has brought me some comfort and I cannot explain why. I don't know if it is the repetitive motion, the ability to do an activity without thinking or the fact that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I see the final product.

Thank you Isabella for giving me the strength to get through the past two months.

My Mother's Day visit

Mother's Day has come and gone and I am still standing. Mother's Day was not acknowledged in my house as per my request, even though, I am a mother to a beautiful little girl Isabella. I could not wrap my head around celebrating this day without her. I have to say that MD was not any harder then any other day. I still woke up knowing that she was not there and went through the day trying to fill the time. The only thing that was different was that I could tell you exactly what I was doing last year on that day. I was out for brunch with my husband, Bella, my mother and father and my sister who was pregnant at the time and her husband. Reliving that fantastic memory is what made it hard.

While I was pregnant with Isabella, she kicked the first time on Mothers Day. She made that day so special with one little kick. I knew that she would come to me in my dream that MD morning because she knows that is was a special day. I woke up at 8:00am on MD and was sad that she had not visited me, so I went downstairs to lie on the couch. I fell back asleep and then it happened, she came for a visit. I dreamt that I went into her room and she was in her crib. I picked her up and knowing that she was not here to stay I held her tight. We rocked on the rocking chair and I loved every second of it. She slept on my lap as she always did and I ran my hands through her hair. I got to do what I miss most, which is hold her tight. That was the best Mother's Day gift that I could have ever received. Isabella always knows what I need and that is a gift that she received from above. For a little child she had the wisdom and compassion of an angel.

Never Forgotten

I spent a nice day with family today and had a chance to discuss with my grandmother the fact that her mother had lost 7 sons between the ages of 1 month and 18 months. My heart broke when I heard this for many reasons. I was saddened that I never knew about this, saddened that my great grandmother had to endure so much loss, and even more saddened that in those times this was so common for families to go through. I asked my grandmother if they ever talked about her siblings that had passed ans she said that they did not. I began to cry for my grandmother and her sisters who know nothing about the brothers that they have. They don't know the way they looked or the silly things that they did. I expressed to my grandmother how sad I was because that is the complete opposite that I want in my future. I want any future children that I have to know that they have a big sister named Isabella. I want them to know that she had the most beautiful eyes, smiles and curls. I want them to know that she a sense of humour and that she is loving them from heaven. I want to show them pictures and videos and read them the stories that she loved. I want them to feel close to Isabella and to love her as much as we do. Isabella will always be an important part of my family. She is my monkey and my future monkeys will always know that their big sister loves them and watches over them every day. Your are my first child Isabella and nobody will ever take your place in my hear.

A Good Day!

I have to say that after rereading my last blog that was written, I felt a little bad. I hope that nobody feels bad about anything said but maybe will reconsider saying it in the future. I have to say that I have an amazing support system of people that love Isabella.

Today Frank and I had an appointment to go to and ended out being our of the house longer then expected. To my surprise we actually ventured our to a public place where there was a good chance that I would come in contact with young families with young children. Any guesses? We ventured to Swiss Chalet. We have taken Isabella to that exact Swiss Chalet a few months prior because they were having there all you can eat french fries special. I have to admit that being out at a restaurant without her felt weird. Even though we ate out regularly, we always had her with us. She loved being at restaurants because she could talk to the waiters and waitresses. She was such a social person that she would say hi to any person that she saw. I could just picture her sitting in her high chair and munching on chicken and fries and waving to all of the people that walked by. I have to say that I am so proud of both Frank and I for attempting to do something that was very scary. I know that she would be proud of us too.

I have also come to the conclusion that I am no longer going to refer to Isabella as dead, gone or as a loss. I am going to refer to her as my daughter who is living in her new house in heaven. I am going to think of her as living, except she is living and experiencing things that I cannot even imagine. So when someone asks if I have children, my answer is yes. I have a beautiful daughter and her name is Isabella Grace and she is living with Jesus and the Angels. They are watching over her for me until it is our time to be together again.

I guess that based on the way I feel right now, today was a good day. Love you Princess.

Progress

Another Saturday has come and another Saturday has gone. I would love to sit here and write that I had a great day but unfortunately I cannot. Although, I can say that it was not terrible. Last night as I prayed to Isabella I apologised for not making her proud as I promised I would. I explained to her how hard getting out of bed is and how hard living without her is. I then told her that I would try to do better each day. Today with the nice weather Frank kept busy with the landscaping and in little spurts I tried to help. Even though I only did a little raking and picked up a few piles of leaves, I have made progress from the day before.


Why does it bother me so much that people do not see that I am trying? It makes me angry that people think that I should be "better." Do they think that this is something that I should already be over. Should I just forget about the best 18 months of my life and pretend that it did not happen. I am frustrated with hearing "Be strong" or :you need to move on". Even though I know that they do not mean it out of insensitivity or rudeness, it is not something that a grieving person wants to hear. I am being as strong as I can, and I do not know how to move on. I may not be doing songs and dances but I am doing the best that I can. For that, I hope that Isabella would be proud.

Isabella, I love you my sweet angel.

Everybody has a story

I often sit and think how everybody has a story. Every person has something that has dramatically influenced their lives. I have been so blessed to have the opportunity to speak with so many women who volunteer to tell their stories to me. Their stories that include loss of a precious child, loss of their hopes and dreams. These are people who have volunteered to speak with my and try to help me through my time of need. Revisiting thier own loss is not easy and that is what makes what they do so special. It is amazing how large the community of grieving parents is and even more amazing is how open greiving parents are to share their stories. When you lose a child it is as if you become part of a group that you never wanted to be a part of. I wish that nobody had to ever be part of such a group. The common thread that I hear is that even though you live your life, you will never forget. But eventually the remembering is not accompanied with pain, but instead with love and thankfulness. I will eventually get to the point when I can be thankful and not angry. When I get to that point I hope to be able to give back by being there for any other parent that has suffered the loss of a child. It the perfect world, this type of tragety will bever happen again. In reality, this type of tragety happens everyday. I miss you Isabella.

Gloomy with pockets of light

Today's weather was very symbolic of how I felt today. I felt mostly gloomy with little pockets of light that were trying to shine through. The light showed itself as the friends and family that surround us daily with support, love and food! I had a dream last night that ran through my mind all day today. I dreamt that I was walking through the halls of Isabella's school and I noticed her cubbie and coat rack. I saw that her name tag was taken down and replaced with another child's name. It upset me so much to see another child's name where hers should be. I remember her walking those hallways so proud like she owned the place. I cannot say enough how much she loved her school and her friends that she made there. I remember crying so hard the days leading up to me returning to work and the fear that I had that she would not be taken care of and cherished by the teachers at her school. How wrong I was because they loved her and comforted her and that was evident in her demeanor when I picked her up. I think that is why my dream bothered me as much as it did. I makes me sad that those children in her class will not remember her and that her teachers may think of her less and less each day. It also makes me think of how life goes on for everyone but us. Our lives have stopped, our future is unknown and as much as everyone misses her and loves her they have gone on with thier lives. The reality is that someday we will have to do the same. I just cannot see that far yet and am unaware of how I will be able to smile and laugh knowing that she is not with me. Yet I am sure when I do laugh and when I do smile it will be because I am remembering her smile, her sense of humour and most of all her unconditional love. We love you monkey.

Ticking away!

I find myself looking at the clock several times throughout the day wondering what I would be doing at that moment if Isabella were here. Right now as I look at the clock I notice that I would be doing our nigh time routine which included, watching In The Night Garden, having cheerios and milk om mommy and daddy's bed, a family dance in front of the t.v, teeth bushing, reading a story from the bible, a prayer, prayer bear, lots of hugs and kisses and then bed. I used to miss having time to sit and do nothing and now I miss having so much to do. I am so angry at myself for ever complaining that I needed my own time. How selfish was I. Now God is giving me all of the time in the world and I want to give it all back. But instead the seconds tick away so slowly and the pain in my stomach grows so quickly. Isabella, I wish that you were here and we could do your bedtime routine once again. I miss you always!

The carrots are gone!

The baby carrots are gone! I was very excited to see that the carrots I left for my bunny friend are gone. I left more carrots hoping that the visits will be frequent. Thank you Jan for the information about the messages that rabbits bring. I also have a little bird friend that has been using my tree in the front of my house as its new home. It comes and goes but sits on my tree as if it is guarding my house. Keep the messages coming!

Another day gone

Another day has come and gone. I have to say that the days and nights are getting harder instead of easier. Each second feels like days and day feels like years. I feel as though I am wishing time away thinking that some day I will wake up and it might hurt a little less or I may find some joy in my life that makes me want to smile. Yesterday I saw a bunny in the backyard and I know that Isabella would have loved to see it. While I tried to put carrots out to feed it I scared it away. I left the carrots there thinking that it may coome back. I can just imagine Isabella standing at the window saying rabbit, rabbit. I would love to hear that beautiful voice. I think back to what I was doing on this day last year and I remember how excited I was. I had Isabella with her purple bunny ears on and her Easter basket in my hand and daddy behind the video camera. We walked around the house searching for the various chocolate eggs that I had hid. Isabella not understanding what was going on, and mommy like a giddy school girl. I was so excited to be having this moment with my daughter and to be sharing with her the special memories that I had as a child. I just hope that she is running around heaven looking for Easter eggs with big fluffy ears on. I miss her so much! I miss her smile and the way that she would push my bedroom door open with such force that it would bang the wall. More then anything I miss her hugs. I miss her little arms wrapped around my neck and her resting her head on my shoulder. What I would give to have that again. I never imagined that I could love another person as much as I love her. She truly is the best of me and Frank put together and she made us better people. Without her I feel like the centre of my family is gone and I don't ever know if we will feel whole again. Good Night Isabella, Mommy and Daddy love you.

Thank You

I recently received something from Sick Kids Hospital giving their condolences for our loss and thanking us for making them our charity of choice. We were also informed that $2365.00 has been raised in Isabella's name and the donations are continuing to come in. Thank you to all who have donated in Isabella's name. We are one step closer to saving an innocent child's life.

On behalf of Frank and Isabella, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Regrets

Last night I was lying in bed and thinking about regrets. What regrets do I have to live with? One major regret that I have is that I did not put Isabella to sleep the night before she passed. I had put her to be every night except for the odd night where we had a wedding or a party. I enjoyed putting her to bed and snuck as many kisses as I could before she went to sleep. I live with the fact that her last night in her crib I did not put her down to sleep. I regret that the morning that she passed I was not there to get her out of bed and watch our morning cartoons. Instead I was at my school dropping of my lesson plan and preparing my class for the supply teacher. I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. But most of all I have guilt that I was not in the hospital room with her when she passed. Imagine knowing that your child was slipping away and you were not able to do what a mother does and protect them and hold them tight. I was not able to hold her, sing to her and remind her how much we love her. That guilt is the hardest of all and it is something that I think about every moment of every day. I would never wish this pain on anyone, even my worst enemy. Instead I wish to share with people something that we hear very often but I am sure never really think about. LIFE IS SHORT! I am not pretending to be enlightened but I am telling you that I now know the truth of that statement. If you are a parent tell your children that you love them as often as you can and when you ask them about their day, really mean it and listen. Remember that the kitchen will eventually get cleaned and the laundry will eventually get done, those precious moments with your family are exactly that precious. Even if you do not have children, hold the ones that you love close and don't take for granted that they will always be there. Regret is a terrible thing and unfortunately it is sometihng that many of us have. I just hope that Isabella forgives me for my regrets and knows how much all of the moments that we spent together meant to me.

A Journey

It has been a few days since I have posted anything and I know that everyone is wondering how we are. We are both fine but I have just not been in the mood to share my thoughts or feelings the past few days. I have needed some time to be alone with my thoughts and emotions and took the time to do just that. I still miss her like crazy, as I do every minute of every day. I was recently told by another grieving mother that what we are going through is a journey and in the end we will be better people because of it. I already see the world differently. I appreciate every minute with every person I love. I don't sweat the petty things and do not let ingorance take place in my heart or life. It is sad that it has taken such a trajic loss for me to get to this place. I think that having Isabella in my life has made me a better person and for that I am truly grateful.

I got through it

I got through it! As I mentioned in my last blog, today was the one month mass for Isabella. I was so worried and could not think of anything else all day. I do not think that I moved from the couch all day because I needed the constant distraction. I was afraid of reliving the moment of the funeral mass but also of being around so many people. Until today I kept my company in small groups and usually it involved being in my own house in my comfortable and familiar surroundings. The mass was beautiful and the priest did an amazing job. He is not to preachy, preachy, and always knows how to speak of Isabella with such sweetness and sincerity. I think that I may have received another sign today, while sitting in church. The first song that the church singer sang was Here I Am Lord. As soon as I realised what song it was I began to cry. I sang that song to Isabella every night before bed. Our bedtime song list usually included Amazing Grace, Ave Maria and Here I Am Lord. I actually started to sing those songs to her while she was still in my womb. I am a firm believer that babies in their womb can hear everything that you say to them. When Isabella was born and she would cry she would stop as soon as I sang any of those songs. It was almost as if the familiarity of the songs made her feel safe right from the start. I think that her message was to tell me that she still hears the music and that she feels safe where she is. All a mother can ask for is for her child to feel safe and that is how the music made me feel. I felt blessed to see how many people had attended Isabella's mass. Isabella always loved parties and crowds so I am sure that she was mingling amongst them. I was so touched to see that Isabella's teachers from her school had come and I felt like Isabella wanted me to give them a message. A few days after Isabella had passed I dreamt that I was speaking to her teacher and telling her how much Isabella loved her and loved being in her class. When I saw her today I felt as if Isabella wanted me to pass on that massage. I told the teacher of my dream and my theory that Isabella was using me as a messenger. She responded in tears and told me that with all of the children that she has worked with that Isabella touched her like no other and that not a day goes by that they do not speak of her. It makes me happy to know that she has touched them in that way because they brightened her life more then they know. I had prepared myself that I was not going to stay for the coffee and tea after the mass but suprisingly I had more strength then I had expected. I was able to hold conversations and even stayed right until the end. I think that all of the prayers that we are receiving, the constant support from family and friends and the courage that I receive from my little princess each day is making me a stronger person. Maybe the sun will shine again someday and I will allow myself toembrace it. MAYBE

Denial

I have been reading about the stages of grief and I wonder where I fall on the spectrum. I am sometimes in the bargaining stage, very often in the guilt and anger stage but lately I wonder if I am back in the denial stage. Even though I know that Isabella is gone, sometimes it just hits me and it is as if I am experiencing it for the first time. This happened today when I was sitting outside of my house and listening the the birds sing. I just imagined Isabella pointing at the trees and saying "trees", or her sitting on the steps in front of the house just as she liked to do on the steps going upstairs or of the both of us looking at the birds or feeding them bread. Then I remember that those experiences will not happen and that I will never again experience any of those moments with her. I became overwhelmed with anger, sadness and denial and had to go upstairs in my bedroom and be alone. That is the problem with grieving, you can experience the stages at anytime and it is as if you are going through it for the first time. The same ball in the stomach, the same urge to throw something across the room and the same questions of why me? I think that these emotions are coming to the surface because I am anticipating the 1 month mass that we are having for Isabella tomorrow. As much as I am grateful that we are making time to come together and pray for her, I am not looking forward to reliving the moment of her funeral. That is what I feel like we are doing. I am scared, saddened and angry that this is the type of celebration that she is having. Instead of planning her second birthday, our family has been planning the one month mass of her passing. Isabella, tommorow is a day to celebrate you, your life and the love that you showered us with everyday. I love you and am so grateful that I get to call myself your mommy. Goodnight Bella.

Dreaming of my Princess

It finally happened after all of my asking and praying. I finally dreamt of Isabella. I dreamt that my little monkey was alive. In my dream she was younger that she was when she passed. I could tell because her hair was much shorter and not as curly. She had that little piece right at the front that she had that left us wondering when she would grow all of her remaining hair. Little did we know that she would eventually grow the most beautiful head of curly hair, just like daddy when he was a baby. When I saw her in my dream I remember saying that it was a miracle and that God had finaly given me my miracle. I remember thinking that all of my bargaining with God and Hail Mary's had paid off because God decided that he had made a mistake when he took her. I began looking at her for signs of Strep A such as the swollen neck or high fever and could not see any. I then said that I was going to call the hospital and have them look her over to make sure that they prevented her illness from returning. Then, I woke up. For a minute I lay there believing that my dream was real and then I realised that that is all it was, a dream. Suprisingly, I did not cry or scream. Instead I closed my eyes and tryed to continue my dream. I was not done with seeing her, I needed more. I did not get to kiss her, smell her, tell her how much I love her and miss being with her. Unfortunately just like I cannot control every aspect of my life, I was not able to control my dream. I was not able to close my eyes and have my daughter alive, even if it was only for a minute and even if I knew that it was not real. I was trying to find a sign in my dream, convinced that there had to be one. I was thinking that maybe my dream was Isabella telling me that she is alive. That a miracle did happen and that she is proof because she is alive, in heaven. I will never know what my dream meant or if it even is meant to be a sign. But I do know more then ever that Isabella is alive in heaven and that she is experiencing pure, unconditional love. Am I still angry, YES. Am I still sad, YES. Am I still confused, YES. But I am coping with all of these emotions the best way that I know how. Thank you for visiting me sweet Bella. You came to me when you knew that I needed you the most. I will be thinking of you tonight and awaiting our next visit. I love you.

A Crap Day!

Anger settled in and made itself comfortable today. We visited Isabella at the cemetery and I must admit that today was harder then it usually is. I was angry at the fact that I have to go somewhere to visit my daughter and then to make it worse I have to leave her there alone. My heart breaks when I think about it and I keep reminding myself that Isabella's body is no longer Isabella. Instead, her body is just a shell and her, I mean the real her is somewhere is heaven. I became emotional watching the Kardashians on t.v, this evening. I was watching the relationship between the mom and the daughters and even though their relationship is dysfunctional I was envious. I dreamt of having that relationship with Isabella, minus the dysfunctional. I imagined us having late night talks, and her sharing with me her deep dark secrets. Even more, I am saddened that her future siblings will not have that relationship with her. They will not fight over clothes, and complain about how unfair their parents are. Isabella loved babies and would have been a great older sister. I am sure that people get tired of reading how upset I am and are hoping for something a little more positive, but today is one of those days when I have nothing positive to write. I think that all these fancy words is just me trying to say that today was a crap day!

1 Month of Sadness

So the weekend is over and now I have to face another week. Today marked 1 month since Isabella passed away. How quickly time is going, it feels like I have not seen Isabella in such a long time. I was upset today because I felt memories starting to become unclear. I am afraid that I am forgetting the sound of her voice or her laugh. I want so bad to watch the many videos of her but am afraid that I will not be able to see through my tears. I sometimes just have to say out loud how much I miss her and how much I would give to hold her again. I find myself bargaining with God even though I know that he will not change what has happened. I keep thinking that maybe a miracle will happen and maybe I can go back in time and prevent this from happening to her. I am reading all kinds of books about people who have had out of body experiences and how prayer brought them back to life. I am questioning that maybe I did not pray enough while she was in the hospital or maybe God did not think that I deserved to have her back. I just wonder why some people get second chances and others do not. If anyone deserved to come back it was her. She had so much life and wonder in her eyes and it makes me angry that it is gone. The world became a darker place on March 10, 2011 because the biggest ray of sunshine was taken away. Isabella, you will always be the sunshine that brightens up my life and my heart. I am thinking of you every minute of every day. I love you Bella.

Not So Terrible

The first day of the weekend is over and thanks to our fantastic family and friends it was not so terrible. I can not say enough how grateful I am for all of the support that we receive on a daily basis. I actually sat outside today, which for me is a big deal. I sat in the front of the house reading a book on life after death. The sun was beaming and it made me feel like Isabella was giving me a big hug. It is not the hug that I want or will ever want but I guess that it is the hug that I am going to have to get used to. I only sat outside for fifteen minutes but it is all about baby steps. I know that I need to go out into the world but I am not ready to face life. Inside my house I feel safe and secure because everywhere I look I have reminders that Isabella was here. When I enter the world I do not have those security blankets and it scares me a lot. I think that I am starting to understand that Isabella would want me and her daddy to be happy. She was such a happy person and would not recognise her daddy and I in this miserable state. That does not mean that I am going to start living it up but it does mean that when I have a not terrible day I am going to hold onto it tightly. Therefore today is a day that I am going to hold onto tight and try to gain strength from each moment. Sweet Dreams Sunshine