Dear Isabella

Dear Isabella, I want to apologize if you think that I don't think of you as much a I used to. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I am sorry if I do not pray to you as much as I used to or go to the cemetery enough. I feel like my life is moving forward so fast and I am finding it hard to keep up. Your little brother has brought so much joy back to my life and for that I am so thankful. It brings back so many memories of our precious time together. Today when we went for a walk the o e thing that he wanted to hold in his hand the entire time was a blue striped sock. I remember your love for socks and how you would put them under your legs, pull them out, then repeat! From a distance or for the spectator looking in it may look like I am complete once again. I must because I fi d myself laughing, I attend functions, I am running once again. The truth is that I do laugh and often I am laughing at a silly memory of you. My life is moving forward it I am not complete. There will always be a piece of my heart and an important member of our family that is missed. In an earlier post I described it as being similar to losing a limb. You eventually learn to go on without that limb but always know that the limb is missing I want you to know that today I am happy. I have found joy and love again. This is not the destiny that I wanted,that I chose but it is the one that the u inverse felt I needed. I have fi ally arrived at acceptance a d it is a good place to be. I love you so much Isabella and I k ow that you love me. Your brother and your daddy have that special relationship that you and I share. BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! Keep lighting up heaven just as you did here on earth. Miss you always, Mommy

True friends

I ran into someone a few weeks ago who I havent seen since Bella passed. This person was a friend and someone who was in Bella's life. In the past two years I have not received a phone call, e. -mail, card or any form of support from this person. It made me think how it is the moments that are the hardest when the people who really care stick around. So many people surprised me by reaching out to support me in the last few years. If I did not thank you, then I am thanking you now. Your cards on Isabella's birthday, Starbucks coffee and a good novel, constant phone calls, e-mails and support was never unappreciated. You letting me cry on your shoulder was never unnoticed. I think that often people stay way because they don't know what to say. To me, not saying anything is worse then saying the wrong thing. Sometimes the only thing you can say is, "I don't know what to say." But do not avoid me like it did not happen, because it did. I wish it did not, but ignoring it is not going to make it go away. Miss you Isabella

I love being a mom

I love being a mom. I love my two monkeys, Isabella and Julian. I wish they were here together but know that I have to let go of what I cannot control. I will spend every second reminding Julian that his sister loves him. I want him to know how amazing her spirit is and how much she would have loved to be here with him. I am a lucky mom to have the best children in the world, I just wish Isabella was here in body and not only spirit. I love them both more then words. Being a mom is the hardest, yet most rewarding experience ever. I am grateful for every diaper that I have changed and every sleepless night. I love being a mom! Mommy

Watching over her brother

Another Easter has come and gone. This year we decided that we would celebrate Easter being that it is Julain's first. I am trying my best not to let my pain stand in the way of Julian's happiness. It is not his fault that sister is not here with us in the physical form. He should not have to live on her shadow or her memory. I want him to have all of the amazing memories and experiences that Bella had. He got to spend time with family and meet family members that he has never met before. He enjoyed every minute of it. It seemed wrong that I went to the cemetery to visit one child and then went to celebrate with my other child. Life is just not what I expected it to be. I know that Bella visits Julian daily because I can hear him giggling through his monitor. He is talking gibberish as if someone is ther with him. I know that someone is his big sister. Every morning it puts as smile on my face because for that moment I can feel and believe that my two children are together. It is a great way to start my day. I know that she is watching over him and being the amazing big sister that she is. Thank you Bella for watching over your brother. I love you and am so blessed to have you as a daughter. I love you always princess and will miss you forever Mommy

Dreaded day

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who offered us support today through a card, email, phone call or whatever way it was. It is always comforting to know that Isabella is in your thoughts and hearts as well as ours. Today marks two years since the dreaded day. It means that I have lived more days without Isabella then I have with her. It seems as though she has always been in my life. My world was so different when she was in it and the center of it. I found myself a little angry this week. I wasn't angry at anyone in particular, not at God or the doctors or even myself. I was just angry at the situation and at the fact that she was not given a chance to play sports, go to school, have her first crush or even get grounded. All of those experiences that most people take for granted. I was and still am angry on behalf of all of the children that have to die. It happens to often. It seems that every day I hear another story about another child who has died and it tears me up each time. This should not be. Innocent children should not be taken so soon, they should be here giggling and running through sprinklers. We should be buying them ice creams and not bringing them flowers. Even though today is a terrible reminder of what has happened it is still just a day. Today is not any harder then tomorrow or yesterday. Each day I carry the same pain and each day my heart aches to see my little girl again. Each day I have to remind myself of the promise that I made to Bella when I saw her that last time. I promised her that I would make her proud and I can do that by being a good mother to Julian, good wife to Frank and a good friend for those who need me. I hope that you are proud of me Bella because I do all of this for you. I love you more than words can say. Mommy

Family Day

Another Valentines Day has passed and this year I struggled with the fact that Bella was not here. I bought her a beautiful pink stuffed rose and bought her a card with a butterfly on the front. I was hoping to go and see her and give it to her on Valentines day but the weather was to cold to take Julian outside. The cemetary closes at four thirty in the winter so was unable to go when Frank got home from work. Of course this brought on the guilt of not bringing her her present. I felt as though I was choosing one child over the other. Instead I put the card and flower in her bedroom until the weekend came and we went to bring it to her. I know in my heart that Bella is not there at the cemetary. I know that she is present within our home. She is here with us each and everyday. But I still feel the guilt when I do not go to the cemetary. The cemetary was once a place that brought me comfort. I would have slept there if I could have just to feel close to her. But now it represents a place of sadness, a place of lost hopes and dreams. It saddens me that Julian is going to spend way to many days there visiting his big sister. I know that Valentines Day is just a day but to me it is just another reminder of another day that she is not here. A day that she should be here writing valentines cards and eating heart shaped cookies. Maybe in heaven she is doing just that. If you are Bella eat a heart shaped cookie for me. It is the night before Family Day and even though I am blessed to have Julian and Frank here with me I miss Isabella so much. I wish that the four of us could sleep all snuggled together in our bed. We could put on the tv and sleep in as long as Juliam would let us. Then we could get up and I would make blueberry pancakes or whatever else my little princess requested. We would play with Julian and Isabella would help us to keep him occupied, making silly faces, singing him songs and reading him books. When Juliam went down for his nap, Bella and I would do a craft or bake some cookies. I know that people reading this may think that I am torturing myself by imagining what could have been. Our lives could have been so different if March 10th had a different outcome. I haven't given up hope on that time machine but until then I will keep imagining. Enjoy your families not just tomorrow because it is Family Day but every day because you can.

Make a change

My Iittle prince is sleeping softly and I wonder if two years ago I ever could have imagined that I would be here. Sitting here with dry eyes and a heart so full of love. When Bella passed (I still can't write the word) my heart died with her. I was incapable of feeling anything but my pain, my anger and my confusion. Thank goodness for the people who never gave up on me because I was ready to be alone with my anger forever. Beleive me I still am full of sadness and pain. But the sadness and pain no longer control me and does not take up all of me. Instead, it moves aside and makes room for love and compassion. You dont know how good it feels to wake up and be able to say that I am grateful for what I have. I say that every day. I am grateful to be married to the most amazing man in the world, grateful for the best eighteen months with the most special girl around and grateful for the most beautiful and smiley little man. Just because I am no longer angry at God does not mean that when it is my turn to enter those pearly gates that he will not have to answer to me. Believe Me, I have a list of questions about why our fate was what it was. My grief has definately changed and it has and still is a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been through every stage of greif probably more then once. But now I am at a stage that cannot be found in the cycle of grief. I am at the point where I just want to make a difference. I want to help any other newly bereived parents that need it. I want to raise money for Strep A. I want what happened to Bella to be the reason for something. Her life was with purpose and I feel like it is my job to make sure that her Legacy continues. I hope that this blog has helped the readers as much as it has heed me. I thank all of you who read my thoughts but I don't know who you are. Please feel free to introduce yourself, that way I know that Isabella's name and memory is traveling. Thanks

Miss you

Isabella, I miss you so much. Every time I look at your brother I see your face. He has the same beautiful smile that you have and the same almond shaped eyes. He brings me so much joy just as you did. When I dance with him I imagine that you are dancing with us. When I sing to him I know that you are there singing too. I know that he was sent from above to mend my broken heart. Even though my heart will always be broken, he is mending it in ways I never thought possible. I love him so much and I am so thankful to have him in my life. I thank you for sending him to me and want you to know that every time we walk by your pictures in the house he smiles. Julian loves you so much. He knows that he has the best big sister in the world. We all love you princess and miss you more then words can say. Mommy

2013

I heard a quote the other day that I wanted to share. People always say to me that they don't know how I go on without my daughter. I never can explain how I do it, or where the strength to face each day comes from. This quote explains it all.... "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." I am sure that this year may bring chllenges that can come of nowhere. There may be times when you will need to dig deep for strength. I hope this year that everyone finds the strength to get through the dark moments because it is only then that you can truly enjoy the beautiful ones. May 2013 be a year full of happy memories for all.

My letter to Santa

Dear Santa, I know that I am a grown adult but I am still a child at heart that believes that Santa can make her wishes come true. My wish this year is something big that might take many elves to make. It may not be ready for this year but I will wait because this wish is so special. My wish for you Santa is that you could buid me a time machine. Not just any time machine but one that not only fits me, but that could fit all of the many bereaved parents that I have met along the way. Once this time machine transports me back to a time before loss, I will appreciate every moment that I am in. I will slow down what I am doing instead of trying to fit so much within a day. I will hold each hug with Bella a little longer, and put her to bed a little later. I would try to stop making her grow up so fast and allow her to be a baby for that much longer. I would tell her how loved she is that much more and spend more time just looking into her eyes. Well Santa I will wait until my Christmas wish comes true. Until then I will use the time machine that is in my mind.

Holidays

Christmas is almost here and I am trying not to get tangled up in the emotion of not spending it with Isabella. I know that she is spending it with Jesus and all of the angels. Even though Frank and I are not ready to celebrate the holidays with it festivities, I am trying to make it special for Julian. I want him to look. Ack and see pictures of his first Christmas. We have stocking with his name and Bella's. Hyenas presents under the tree and he will be dressed up in a Christmas themed outfit. I feel bad that I am not allowing him to spend it with aloof his family,but it's what we need right now. Our Christmas will entail him visiting his sister and sending her Christmas love. That is our reality right now. Yummy egg nog, good food, my husband and my baby sill I need this Christmas. The only thing that could make it better would be Isabella running around. She will be with us in spirit. I love you Bella and know that you are watching over your baby brother.

I am sitting here watching the news about a senseless shooting in the United States at an elementary school. As a teacher and a parent I can feel the terror that everyone involved must feel. So many peopled killed for no reason. I am horrified by the thought of those parents whose life will forever be changed today. They probably have wrapped presents for their children under the tree and today may find out that their children have been killed. I pray for all of those families and I hope that they can find the strength to get through the rest of the day and many, many hard days months and years to come.

I finally found a few minutes to write something. I forgot what it was like to be busy every second of the day. Although I have to admit that I would not have it any other way. I love being home with Julian and having him all to myself. He is such a good boy and I can see so many similarities between him and Bella. Being that it's flu season Frank and I are being very vigilant with Julian and staying away from to many people and especially to being around people that are sick or have sick family members that live within thier household. Our pediatrician had told us that if a child under two becomes ill it is very dangerous. It is a risk thatI a not willing to take. It awkward to say to people that you would prefer that they would not come over at this time. But I am not afraid of an awkward conversation. My own sister hadn't seen Julian until he was almost One week and a half because my niece was ill and she did not feel well. My mother purposely took a week off of work to spend at my house but had a tickle in her throat so she went to the doctors and asked for a prescription just in case. I cannot say enough how much I appreciate that they did those things. It shows me that they respect my wishes no matter what they think of them. Being that Isabella caught a common virus that lead to something much worse I am on high alert of any illnesses (especially strep or throat issues). So do not take it personally if we decline a visit at this time. It is nice that Frank and I are on the same page regarding this. I think that he is as concerned as I am. Iris different raising achild after loss. The bliss of being a parent is often competing with the reality of what could be. Well I think that Iam going to try to sneak in some sleep while I can. Miss you Bella. Julian is so lucky to have you as a big sister.

My little man is here and he is such an amazing little boy. His name is Julian Joseph. He arrived on November 8th at 4:15pm via c-section. The experience of having a baby via c-section was totally different then the experience that I had delivering Isabella. I brought a picture of Isabella to the hospital with me. I needed to have her there with me just as she would have been if she was here. My recovery is proving to be quite different as well. My husband has really stepped up to the plate by taking care of alot of the household duties (laundry, dishes, meals) as well as,asking sure that I always have a full glass of water and have taken my medication. Being that I could not bend in the first week he also was responsible for diaper duty and I was his assistant. Thank goodness for Frank. Julian is such an amazing little guy. He is a big boy who was born at pounds 8 pounds 13. At his Dr. Apt. today he weighed in at 9 pounds 1. I have heard from so many moms of boys to watch out for their spray when yu are changing them. Today Julian proved them right. While changing him today he showered himself and me with a nice urine shower. Being a mom to a little boy is a whole new experience to me. I would not change it for anything. I have caught myself many times calling Julian Bella. While I am holding him I could convince myself that he is her. He looks like her and reminds me so much of her. I often see him looking out at "nothing" and concentrating so intently. I just know that he is looking at her. She would not miss her little brothers presence for anything. Bella, I miss you so much but I know that you are here with us always. You will alwaysbe my girl. I love you and know that you're going to be the best big sister ever. u

Nervous

As the babies due date gets closer, I get a little more nervous. I am not nervous about having another baby. It is the the idea about bringing another child into this world that is full of germs and diseases that I cannot prevent no matter how hard I try. It is scary to open up your heart again to a little one who cannot tell you that they feel sick or are in pain. I was very cautious of germs with Isabella and will be the same if not worse with this little one. I am already prewarnimg people that I don't want people coming over if they are sick or have someone in their home that is sick. I know what people are thinking. They are thinking that I am over paronoid and that I need to relax. That I need to expose my children to germs. My answer would be that until you have lost a child to a disease that began with a "common" virus please just respect my wishes. One in a million is still one on a million. I am going to do everything in my power to prevent anyone that I love from being another one. I will try to do this at the same time allowing my little man to experienc life without my fear overshadowing him. With that being said, I am getting very excited to meet this little man. I know that he will bring my world the light that has been lost the past year and a half. My family and friends are just as excited as we are to meet him. I know that this little guy is going to bring us all a little closer to Isabella through the fact that he is a part of her. I look forward to holding my son and showing him the beautiful world that we live in and introducing him to all of the beautiful people in this world who love him already.

Changes

  I feel as though the days are going by to fast and I am trying to slow them down.  So much has changed in the past year and a half and even though I have many great things that are happening, it scares me that the world is still turning without Bella here.

  Within my house alone so many things look different then when Bella was here.  All of the things that we wanted to do when Bella was here we have finally done.  I feel a little guilty that all of these changes are happening and I wonder if Bella would approve.  I wonder if she likes the new couches or the new lamps.  I hope that she still feels at home in our house even with all of the changes.

  Yesterday we sold my car that I had purchased twelve years ago.  It was the car that we brought Bella home from the hospital in.  We brought her to all of her ultrasound appointments when she had her hip brace on.  I picked her up from daycare everyday in that car.  It was very hard for me to see that car drive away and to know that Bella had never experienced our new car.  I know that my car is not Bella but I feel as though another piece of me has gone.  A piece that holds so many great memories with my daughter.

   Last night I felt the need to sleep with a picture of Bella in my hand.  I need to feel her close to me and for her to know that know matter what she will always be my best friend, soul mate, and first born


  I love you Isabella Grace.

Gratitude

    Gratitude is something that I struggle with at this point in my life.  I will always be grateful for Frank, Bella,  my little man and all of my family and friends.   Gratitude for the little things in life is what I find difficult.

    Suprisingly, earlier this week I found myself feeling grateful and it took me by surprise.  I was driving to my Obgyn office and decided to get her and the receptionist a coffee.  At that moment I felt grateful that I was able to treat someone to a coffee without worrying about it.  There are so many people who cannot afford the necessities in life and to them treating people to something is often difficult.  It was such a minor thing but I felt it, that gratitude.   As soon as realized what I was thinking I was amazed.  It has been so long since I have felt that feeling.   It felt nice to be grateful for something instead of being angry all the time.

   Hopefully my future will bring more of those moments so that each moment of gratitude will not be something to write about.

   I will always be grateful for you Bella baby.

I am thankful for....

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I have to admit that it has been a hard weekend.  I am not sure why today was harder then other days..  It is just one of those hard days that creep up on you.   I miss her so much and I wish that she was here.  I do have many things to be grateful for.  I am grateful for...

My husband Frank who is the most amazing man in the world.
My baby boy who is going to bring so much joy to our world.
My family and friends who have been there for me through thick and thin.
The ability for Frank and I to provide food, clothing and a good life for our family.
I am truly grateful for my daughter Isabella and for all of the moments that we shared.  I am thankful for those memories that help me to get through the toughest of times.

I love you Bella and miss you more and more with each day.

Happy Thanksgiving  sweet girl.

Love Mommy

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

Happy Birthday my sweet girl.

You are no longer my little monkey, you are now my 3 year old monkey.   I can only imagine the little girl that you would have become.  I know that you would have been a beautiful girl with your curly black hair and your amazing eyes.  Some people called them brown, but I  still insist that they were green.  Just like daddies.  Your first birthday party was a tiara theme and I wonder what you would have requested this year.  I am convinced it would be animals because you loved playing with and saying the names of all of your animals.  Your little elephant is right beside me as I type this and has been there since you passed.  Just like you left it.  Mommy and daddy released a balloon each for you today.  I hope that they make thier way to you in heaven.  Mommy made you a butterfly birthday cake.  It is vanilla flavor just like the one that I made you for your first birthday.  

Trying to find the perfect card for you was impossible.  They don't make a card for this situation.  It doesn't exist.  All of the birthday cards are full of excitement and cheer, which is what birthdays should be full of.  Not loss, sadness and longing.  I hope that you like the one that I chose for you.

Isabella, I love you so, so  much and I miss everything about you.  I hope that you have a very happy birthday in heaven.  I hope that heaven is full of streamers and balloons just for you.  There will be a day that we will celebrate your birthday together once again.

I love you sweet girl and am sending you kisses form home.  You are mommy's best friend forever.

Love you

Preparing for Bella's brother

I am back.  It has been a while since I have posted my own thoughts or even read other peoples.  There has been so many days that I wanted to sit down and write, but the words did not want to come.  I have said it before that I just get tired of saying the same thing over and over again.  I miss Isabella so much and even though I am coping much better today then I was last year, the missing has not gone away.  It never will.  I miss her as much today as I did on March 10th, 2011.  Maybe,  even miss her more.

I am back at work and am trying to get the house ready for the new baby.  I am grateful for the distraction as Isabella's birthday approaches.  She would have turned 3 years old on September 20th.  Her and her brother would have been 3 years apart and have been so close.

I have started to get the babies room ready.  I had to go through Isabella's clothes and try to find things that her brother could wear as well.  I was not opposed to putting Bella is blue or green so it was not to hard to find some.  It brings me some comfort to know that her brother will wear some of her clothes and have a peice of her with him always.  The rest of clothes I had to fold up and put in storage containers.  I cried as I held up my favourite peices remembering how beautiful she looked in them.  I think that she was with me as I went through her clothes and that she gave me the courage to do so.  She gives me the courage to face each and every day.

I miss you sweet girl but I know that I will see your beautiful, eyes and sweet smile again.  I will hear your voice  and experience your kisses.  I look forward to the day that we meet again but until then your papa, brother and I will miss and love you always.

Mommy

"Little man"

"I miss you little monkey".   I cannot believe how many days have passed and how even though I look stronger from the outside the feeling of missing my daughter is stronger each and every day.  It just eats away at me and feels like a big ball of pain that is holding me down.  I am trying to stay strong for my "little man" so that I do not cause him any stress inside the womb.  I just want him to be cozy and safe at all times.  Yet I know that he feels my pain.  He knows that loss that I am feeling.   I read that stress could be as harmful for the baby as drugs or alcohol.   I expressed this to my OBGYN along with my concern over my stress.  She explained that stress and grieving are different.  That grieving is natural and will not harm the baby.  I just hope that along with feeling my pain that my "little man" also feels my love for him along with my anxiousness to hold him and tell him how much his mommy, daddy and big sister love him.

What would I be doing game

July is almost over and I really do not have much to show for it.  I find myself playing the "what would I be doing game," so much lately.  For example being that today is a hot day I probably would have taken Isabella swimming in the early morning before it got too hot.  Maybe after that we would go for an ice cream and for a lunch date just the two of us.  She probably would have a short nap (she never like to sleep in the afternoon) followed by some Wiggles video watching (she loves the Wiggles).  I would probably take her to the park or splash pad before dinner and when we got home she would wait by the window for daddy to come home.  This type of thinking is so hard to stop yet in some crazy way it brings me comfort.  For a moment while I am imagining what my day would be like I can experience that day with her. 

I miss you Bella and I hope that you are enjoying all of the things that a two and a half year old should be enjoying.

Mommy

Where to start

I don't know where to start because it has been so long since I have written.  It is not due to lack of things to say but more due to not being able to face my emotions as much as I used to.  You would think that being in the second year of loss would be easier and that speaking about my feelings would come more naturally.  It is the opposite for me.  I find that as time goes on I am less able to discuss my feelings and memories of Isabella bring tears to my eyes more quickly then they used to. 

It has been a busy school year and I am happy to finally be on summer vacation.  I decided to change the grade that I will be teaching next year.  I am happy to be teaching older students and away from the age that Isabella would be approaching shortly.  She would have been three in September and teaching Kindergartens hit to close to home for me.

I am currently in my second trimester of pregnancy and I must say that this pregnancy is a little different then my pregnancy with Isabella.  When I was pregnant with Bella I did not have many of the symptoms that I have with this pregnancy, but overall I feel great.  Being pregnant again brought many emotions for me.  I had to face the reality that even though I don't want to and I don't like it having another child is the first step in moving forward with my life.  Even writing that makes my heart hurt because I do not want to move on.  I want to stay in the moment of when it was me, my husband and my daughter.  But how fair would that be to the little one that I am bringing into the world?  After Bella's passing I wanted to get pregnant right away.  If there was an orphanage near I would have went and adopted as many children as I could have fit in my arms.  I wanted to hold a child and pretend it was her.  My grief counselor had encouraged me to waita while before trying for another child.  She told me that I owed Bella her time as well as my future children.  I am so glad that I took her advice.  Looking back having a child at that time would not have been the smartest thing to do. Even though truthfully I don't know if you can ever be ready to put your heart on the line again and trust that you won't be hurt again.

I imagine Isabella rubbing my belly and talking to the baby.  I wonder if she is actually doing it and I don't see her.  I hope that she is here with me going through every step with me.   Isabella is going to be a big sister and my goal is to make sure that she always is remembered and cherished in our family.  She will always be my best friend, soul mate, first born, big sister and my little monkey/monster.

Mommy misses you sweet girl.

Daddy's Little Princess

The school year is almost over and I am looking forward to the last day of school more then I can say.  I love my students but I feel emotionally and physically exhausted.  Even though going back to work in September  was good for my sanity, I now feel that I need these next few months of rest. 

At school we are getting ready for our Father's Day Fiesta that our class is hosting on Thursday and Friday.  It is going to be another day of watching proud parents watch their children sing songs and present their dads with a gift.  I can't help but think of my husband and what Father's Day is going to bring for him.  Frank was the proud daddy who would do anything for his little girl.  She was the little girl who loved being in the presence of her daddy.  Even if they were just sitting doing a puzzle they had fun doing it.  She never gave daddy a hard time. When they were together it was as if no one else was around.  It was beautiful to watch.   My daughter brought out the silly side of her Daddy that was reserved only for her.  I miss so much watching them together and knowing that they had a bond that would last a lifetime.

I will hold all of the amazing daddy's in my heart this Father's Day.  I know that Bella will be watching over her daddy and sending him kisses from above.  She will say, "I love you Daddy now and always".  We  miss you monkey and we love you more hen we ever new was humanly possible.