Make a change

My Iittle prince is sleeping softly and I wonder if two years ago I ever could have imagined that I would be here. Sitting here with dry eyes and a heart so full of love. When Bella passed (I still can't write the word) my heart died with her. I was incapable of feeling anything but my pain, my anger and my confusion. Thank goodness for the people who never gave up on me because I was ready to be alone with my anger forever. Beleive me I still am full of sadness and pain. But the sadness and pain no longer control me and does not take up all of me. Instead, it moves aside and makes room for love and compassion. You dont know how good it feels to wake up and be able to say that I am grateful for what I have. I say that every day. I am grateful to be married to the most amazing man in the world, grateful for the best eighteen months with the most special girl around and grateful for the most beautiful and smiley little man. Just because I am no longer angry at God does not mean that when it is my turn to enter those pearly gates that he will not have to answer to me. Believe Me, I have a list of questions about why our fate was what it was. My grief has definately changed and it has and still is a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been through every stage of greif probably more then once. But now I am at a stage that cannot be found in the cycle of grief. I am at the point where I just want to make a difference. I want to help any other newly bereived parents that need it. I want to raise money for Strep A. I want what happened to Bella to be the reason for something. Her life was with purpose and I feel like it is my job to make sure that her Legacy continues. I hope that this blog has helped the readers as much as it has heed me. I thank all of you who read my thoughts but I don't know who you are. Please feel free to introduce yourself, that way I know that Isabella's name and memory is traveling. Thanks

Miss you

Isabella, I miss you so much. Every time I look at your brother I see your face. He has the same beautiful smile that you have and the same almond shaped eyes. He brings me so much joy just as you did. When I dance with him I imagine that you are dancing with us. When I sing to him I know that you are there singing too. I know that he was sent from above to mend my broken heart. Even though my heart will always be broken, he is mending it in ways I never thought possible. I love him so much and I am so thankful to have him in my life. I thank you for sending him to me and want you to know that every time we walk by your pictures in the house he smiles. Julian loves you so much. He knows that he has the best big sister in the world. We all love you princess and miss you more then words can say. Mommy

2013

I heard a quote the other day that I wanted to share. People always say to me that they don't know how I go on without my daughter. I never can explain how I do it, or where the strength to face each day comes from. This quote explains it all.... "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." I am sure that this year may bring chllenges that can come of nowhere. There may be times when you will need to dig deep for strength. I hope this year that everyone finds the strength to get through the dark moments because it is only then that you can truly enjoy the beautiful ones. May 2013 be a year full of happy memories for all.