I cannot believe how longit has been since I have written on this blog. It seems like so much has happened since that time. Isabella is a big sister to two little monkeys named Julian and Gianpaul. She is still spoken about everyday in our home and Julian who is two and a half asks why he can't see her. It breaks my heart that he will never have the joy of knowing his sister in life. We received terrible news yesterday that Isabella's beloved teacher and our friend passed away. She was only 31 years old and was such a wonderful person. She was very supportive to us in our time of need and was such a positive and bright soul. I have written blog posts about her before and how much we appreciate all she did for Bella. Anna, I know that you and Bella are together again. Thank you for all that you did for us. Your friendship was cherished and you will forever be missed. Marisa

Happy Easter

Today is Easter Sunday and for the first time ever, today I appreciate the true meaning of Eatser. Growing up Easter was always about yummy BBQ with family, and an egg hunt as it is for many children. My parents always put together the most creative hunts for my sister and I. Even though I am going to try to make Easter about all of those things for Julian and any future children we may be blessed to have, I want them to know the true meaning of Easter. I want them to know that it is about our life that continues even after we leave this physical world. This year I am holding onto that belief and promise. I look forward to the day when Isabella and I will be together again. Happy Easter

Three years ago today

Three years ago today was the worst day of my life. I went from feeling so happy to feeling like I did not belong. I woke up that morning as a mother of a lively, healthy little girl and went to bed as a bereaved parent. I still cannot believe that this is my life and do not allow myself to go back to that dark place that I hid in for so long. Today has proved to be a regular day in the sense that I miss her as much today as I did yesterday. But I cannot help but to revisit that day three years ago in my mind. All of the uncertainty that came with it. The shock, the disbelief and the pain that ate away at me from the moment that I realized that I would never hold my baby girl again. I would not wish that pain on anyone, not even my worst enemies. Thank you to all of my friends and family who have offered us support today through text messages, emails, phone calls and donations made on her honour. It is because of you that I feel strong today. Thank you for remembering Isabella today and always. Marisa

Love you more then words can say

As February is coming to an end, I am forced to face that March is around the corner. I cannot believe that it has been three years already. Where has the time gone. My little eighteen month old that was running around in a diaper would now be a four and a half year old that was probably into Barbies and dolls. I always planned on doing mother daughter stuff with Bella such as getting our nails done and going for brunch just the two of us. As I have started many times before, she was my best friend and even though she was just a toddler she had a very old soul. Julian is over five months old now and is soon going to pass the age that Bella lived to be. That is so strange to me that he is the younger brother but some day will look older then I remember her. He is getting close to saying her name. Ok, maybe not but he says Bl and that is close enough. I find that I keep comparing Isabella and Julian and it is such a terrible thing to do. She was a very early talker and spoke full words. Julian is beginning to talk but is still, at the beginning sound stage. Even though I know that all parents tend to compare their childrens milestones, it is something that I am trying not to do. Being that Isabella had not reached her terrible two stage, she is always going to be the golden child who always listened and never misbehaved. It is not fair to Julian to have to compete with that. Julian is his own person and should not have to always try to live up to the memory of his sister. He is a little more curious and rambunctious then his sister but he has the same heart of Gold. He loves to cuddle, give kisses and is so effectionate. He gets that from me. As March 10th approaches, please keep Isabella in your thoughts and prayers. She definitely was an angel here on earth and I will always miss those beautiful black curls and those beautiful eyes. Isabella the last three years have felt like an eternity. I love you more then words can express. Mommy

It has been a long time

It has been so long since I have written anything but have felt the need and want to write again. I want to revisit my feelings and to feel that pain again. Anyone reading this may not understand but I will try to explain. Firstly, do not think that I am not missing my daughter and am not in pain because she is not here with me. I am and I do more then anything. But the pain is different. It has almost become a backdrop to my life. It is always there and it comes with me everywhere but it is not the centre of my life. I can go through a day without any tears but she is always in my thoughts. I feel so guilty that I feel happy. I feel guilty that I am looking forward to things like taking my son to the park. I feel guilty for living again. My son has brought me back to life and I don't know that he will ever truly understand how he saved me. He truly saved my life. I found myself reading an old post from very early on in my loss. While reading this post I could feel that immense pain and that desperation that I felt when I wrote it. I cried and cried while reading it but I have to say that it is what I needed. I needed to be reminded of how far I have come in this journey. I needed to remind myself that it was not easy and it did not happen over night. It took time,hard work, faith and lots of support from others. I need to remember that even though I am "living" I should not feel guilty because I am doing it with a broken heart. For anyone who is reading this that is new in their grief, pease know that the sun will shine again. It may not look as bright or feel the same way when it touches your skin. But it will shine and you will learn to appreciate it for what it is.

Birthday Girl

Four days ago was my little princesses 4th birthday. I expected this day to be hard but I never expected to react the way I did. It was such a hard day, even harder then last year. As her age gets bigger it is like a knife in the heart at the thought that she only got to celebrate one birthday here on earth. She only got to taste one of her homemade birthday cakes. The age of four is when children begin to truly appreciate and understand what their birthday represents. They assist in the planning of their party and help make their birthday cake. They rip into those birthday presents so excited anticipating what is inside. I feel ripped off and even more I feel like she was ripped off. I feel like she was introduced to this wonderful world and all of the people who love her only to be taken away so quickly. This year her birthday brought me anger, sadness and lots and lots of crankiness. I dragged my feet though the day trying to make it special. We went for breakfast because Isabella loved her eggs, we brought her balloons and released one into the air. I made her cupcakes with little flowers on top. But nothing was enough. She deserves the best and I feel like I did not give her that. Yet on the other hand I know that the breakfast, the balloons, and the cupcakes were in an attempt to make me feel better about the situation because where she is she does not feel sadness and is happy with whatever we do. Isabella I hope that the angels sang you Happy Birthday and that all of the balloons released in you honour made it right into your hands. I hope that you know how much we love you. Thank you to everyone who made a donation to the Mount Sinai hospital as a dedication for Bella's birthday and for all the calls, texts and e-mails of support. Love and miss you sweet girl.

Could of, should of, would of....

Today is a hard day. Today would have been my sweet girls first day of school. She would have been up nice and early all excited with her new outfit, backpack and lunch bag. Her beautiful curly hair would be back in a pony tail so that it did not get on her face. She would have been wearing an outfit that she picked out all by herself when we did our first day of school outfit shopping. Her lunch would consist of her favourite foods such as pizza, leftover pasta, blackberries, avocado and lots of cheese. Everyone who know Isabella knows how much she loves her cheese. I would have spent time tne night before explaining that she did not need to be scared because school is such an exciting place. I would tell her that she is going to make many new friends and some amazing teachers. I would also tell her that just like at home our hands are for helping not hurting and our words are for making people feel happy not sad. Isabella had such a big heart that I am sure that would not have been an issue. After walking her to school Julian, Papa and I would give her a big hug and kiss and wish her luck. We would tell her how much we love her and that we would miss her. I am sure that Isabella would wait at the fence until a teacher came along and greeted her, just like she did at daycare. Once that teacher came she would turn around look at us, smile and say bye. Should of, could of, would of..... Isabella, I love you and I miss you today and always. I am the mother of a beautiful, smart, caring, loving , amazing kindergartener. I am so proud. Julian, Papa and I will think of you every second of every day. Mommy

Dear Isabella

Dear Isabella, I want to apologize if you think that I don't think of you as much a I used to. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I am sorry if I do not pray to you as much as I used to or go to the cemetery enough. I feel like my life is moving forward so fast and I am finding it hard to keep up. Your little brother has brought so much joy back to my life and for that I am so thankful. It brings back so many memories of our precious time together. Today when we went for a walk the o e thing that he wanted to hold in his hand the entire time was a blue striped sock. I remember your love for socks and how you would put them under your legs, pull them out, then repeat! From a distance or for the spectator looking in it may look like I am complete once again. I must because I fi d myself laughing, I attend functions, I am running once again. The truth is that I do laugh and often I am laughing at a silly memory of you. My life is moving forward it I am not complete. There will always be a piece of my heart and an important member of our family that is missed. In an earlier post I described it as being similar to losing a limb. You eventually learn to go on without that limb but always know that the limb is missing I want you to know that today I am happy. I have found joy and love again. This is not the destiny that I wanted,that I chose but it is the one that the u inverse felt I needed. I have fi ally arrived at acceptance a d it is a good place to be. I love you so much Isabella and I k ow that you love me. Your brother and your daddy have that special relationship that you and I share. BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! Keep lighting up heaven just as you did here on earth. Miss you always, Mommy

True friends

I ran into someone a few weeks ago who I havent seen since Bella passed. This person was a friend and someone who was in Bella's life. In the past two years I have not received a phone call, e. -mail, card or any form of support from this person. It made me think how it is the moments that are the hardest when the people who really care stick around. So many people surprised me by reaching out to support me in the last few years. If I did not thank you, then I am thanking you now. Your cards on Isabella's birthday, Starbucks coffee and a good novel, constant phone calls, e-mails and support was never unappreciated. You letting me cry on your shoulder was never unnoticed. I think that often people stay way because they don't know what to say. To me, not saying anything is worse then saying the wrong thing. Sometimes the only thing you can say is, "I don't know what to say." But do not avoid me like it did not happen, because it did. I wish it did not, but ignoring it is not going to make it go away. Miss you Isabella

I love being a mom

I love being a mom. I love my two monkeys, Isabella and Julian. I wish they were here together but know that I have to let go of what I cannot control. I will spend every second reminding Julian that his sister loves him. I want him to know how amazing her spirit is and how much she would have loved to be here with him. I am a lucky mom to have the best children in the world, I just wish Isabella was here in body and not only spirit. I love them both more then words. Being a mom is the hardest, yet most rewarding experience ever. I am grateful for every diaper that I have changed and every sleepless night. I love being a mom! Mommy

Watching over her brother

Another Easter has come and gone. This year we decided that we would celebrate Easter being that it is Julain's first. I am trying my best not to let my pain stand in the way of Julian's happiness. It is not his fault that sister is not here with us in the physical form. He should not have to live on her shadow or her memory. I want him to have all of the amazing memories and experiences that Bella had. He got to spend time with family and meet family members that he has never met before. He enjoyed every minute of it. It seemed wrong that I went to the cemetery to visit one child and then went to celebrate with my other child. Life is just not what I expected it to be. I know that Bella visits Julian daily because I can hear him giggling through his monitor. He is talking gibberish as if someone is ther with him. I know that someone is his big sister. Every morning it puts as smile on my face because for that moment I can feel and believe that my two children are together. It is a great way to start my day. I know that she is watching over him and being the amazing big sister that she is. Thank you Bella for watching over your brother. I love you and am so blessed to have you as a daughter. I love you always princess and will miss you forever Mommy

Dreaded day

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who offered us support today through a card, email, phone call or whatever way it was. It is always comforting to know that Isabella is in your thoughts and hearts as well as ours. Today marks two years since the dreaded day. It means that I have lived more days without Isabella then I have with her. It seems as though she has always been in my life. My world was so different when she was in it and the center of it. I found myself a little angry this week. I wasn't angry at anyone in particular, not at God or the doctors or even myself. I was just angry at the situation and at the fact that she was not given a chance to play sports, go to school, have her first crush or even get grounded. All of those experiences that most people take for granted. I was and still am angry on behalf of all of the children that have to die. It happens to often. It seems that every day I hear another story about another child who has died and it tears me up each time. This should not be. Innocent children should not be taken so soon, they should be here giggling and running through sprinklers. We should be buying them ice creams and not bringing them flowers. Even though today is a terrible reminder of what has happened it is still just a day. Today is not any harder then tomorrow or yesterday. Each day I carry the same pain and each day my heart aches to see my little girl again. Each day I have to remind myself of the promise that I made to Bella when I saw her that last time. I promised her that I would make her proud and I can do that by being a good mother to Julian, good wife to Frank and a good friend for those who need me. I hope that you are proud of me Bella because I do all of this for you. I love you more than words can say. Mommy

Family Day

Another Valentines Day has passed and this year I struggled with the fact that Bella was not here. I bought her a beautiful pink stuffed rose and bought her a card with a butterfly on the front. I was hoping to go and see her and give it to her on Valentines day but the weather was to cold to take Julian outside. The cemetary closes at four thirty in the winter so was unable to go when Frank got home from work. Of course this brought on the guilt of not bringing her her present. I felt as though I was choosing one child over the other. Instead I put the card and flower in her bedroom until the weekend came and we went to bring it to her. I know in my heart that Bella is not there at the cemetary. I know that she is present within our home. She is here with us each and everyday. But I still feel the guilt when I do not go to the cemetary. The cemetary was once a place that brought me comfort. I would have slept there if I could have just to feel close to her. But now it represents a place of sadness, a place of lost hopes and dreams. It saddens me that Julian is going to spend way to many days there visiting his big sister. I know that Valentines Day is just a day but to me it is just another reminder of another day that she is not here. A day that she should be here writing valentines cards and eating heart shaped cookies. Maybe in heaven she is doing just that. If you are Bella eat a heart shaped cookie for me. It is the night before Family Day and even though I am blessed to have Julian and Frank here with me I miss Isabella so much. I wish that the four of us could sleep all snuggled together in our bed. We could put on the tv and sleep in as long as Juliam would let us. Then we could get up and I would make blueberry pancakes or whatever else my little princess requested. We would play with Julian and Isabella would help us to keep him occupied, making silly faces, singing him songs and reading him books. When Juliam went down for his nap, Bella and I would do a craft or bake some cookies. I know that people reading this may think that I am torturing myself by imagining what could have been. Our lives could have been so different if March 10th had a different outcome. I haven't given up hope on that time machine but until then I will keep imagining. Enjoy your families not just tomorrow because it is Family Day but every day because you can.

Make a change

My Iittle prince is sleeping softly and I wonder if two years ago I ever could have imagined that I would be here. Sitting here with dry eyes and a heart so full of love. When Bella passed (I still can't write the word) my heart died with her. I was incapable of feeling anything but my pain, my anger and my confusion. Thank goodness for the people who never gave up on me because I was ready to be alone with my anger forever. Beleive me I still am full of sadness and pain. But the sadness and pain no longer control me and does not take up all of me. Instead, it moves aside and makes room for love and compassion. You dont know how good it feels to wake up and be able to say that I am grateful for what I have. I say that every day. I am grateful to be married to the most amazing man in the world, grateful for the best eighteen months with the most special girl around and grateful for the most beautiful and smiley little man. Just because I am no longer angry at God does not mean that when it is my turn to enter those pearly gates that he will not have to answer to me. Believe Me, I have a list of questions about why our fate was what it was. My grief has definately changed and it has and still is a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been through every stage of greif probably more then once. But now I am at a stage that cannot be found in the cycle of grief. I am at the point where I just want to make a difference. I want to help any other newly bereived parents that need it. I want to raise money for Strep A. I want what happened to Bella to be the reason for something. Her life was with purpose and I feel like it is my job to make sure that her Legacy continues. I hope that this blog has helped the readers as much as it has heed me. I thank all of you who read my thoughts but I don't know who you are. Please feel free to introduce yourself, that way I know that Isabella's name and memory is traveling. Thanks

Miss you

Isabella, I miss you so much. Every time I look at your brother I see your face. He has the same beautiful smile that you have and the same almond shaped eyes. He brings me so much joy just as you did. When I dance with him I imagine that you are dancing with us. When I sing to him I know that you are there singing too. I know that he was sent from above to mend my broken heart. Even though my heart will always be broken, he is mending it in ways I never thought possible. I love him so much and I am so thankful to have him in my life. I thank you for sending him to me and want you to know that every time we walk by your pictures in the house he smiles. Julian loves you so much. He knows that he has the best big sister in the world. We all love you princess and miss you more then words can say. Mommy

2013

I heard a quote the other day that I wanted to share. People always say to me that they don't know how I go on without my daughter. I never can explain how I do it, or where the strength to face each day comes from. This quote explains it all.... "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." I am sure that this year may bring chllenges that can come of nowhere. There may be times when you will need to dig deep for strength. I hope this year that everyone finds the strength to get through the dark moments because it is only then that you can truly enjoy the beautiful ones. May 2013 be a year full of happy memories for all.

My letter to Santa

Dear Santa, I know that I am a grown adult but I am still a child at heart that believes that Santa can make her wishes come true. My wish this year is something big that might take many elves to make. It may not be ready for this year but I will wait because this wish is so special. My wish for you Santa is that you could buid me a time machine. Not just any time machine but one that not only fits me, but that could fit all of the many bereaved parents that I have met along the way. Once this time machine transports me back to a time before loss, I will appreciate every moment that I am in. I will slow down what I am doing instead of trying to fit so much within a day. I will hold each hug with Bella a little longer, and put her to bed a little later. I would try to stop making her grow up so fast and allow her to be a baby for that much longer. I would tell her how loved she is that much more and spend more time just looking into her eyes. Well Santa I will wait until my Christmas wish comes true. Until then I will use the time machine that is in my mind.

Holidays

Christmas is almost here and I am trying not to get tangled up in the emotion of not spending it with Isabella. I know that she is spending it with Jesus and all of the angels. Even though Frank and I are not ready to celebrate the holidays with it festivities, I am trying to make it special for Julian. I want him to look. Ack and see pictures of his first Christmas. We have stocking with his name and Bella's. Hyenas presents under the tree and he will be dressed up in a Christmas themed outfit. I feel bad that I am not allowing him to spend it with aloof his family,but it's what we need right now. Our Christmas will entail him visiting his sister and sending her Christmas love. That is our reality right now. Yummy egg nog, good food, my husband and my baby sill I need this Christmas. The only thing that could make it better would be Isabella running around. She will be with us in spirit. I love you Bella and know that you are watching over your baby brother.

I am sitting here watching the news about a senseless shooting in the United States at an elementary school. As a teacher and a parent I can feel the terror that everyone involved must feel. So many peopled killed for no reason. I am horrified by the thought of those parents whose life will forever be changed today. They probably have wrapped presents for their children under the tree and today may find out that their children have been killed. I pray for all of those families and I hope that they can find the strength to get through the rest of the day and many, many hard days months and years to come.

I finally found a few minutes to write something. I forgot what it was like to be busy every second of the day. Although I have to admit that I would not have it any other way. I love being home with Julian and having him all to myself. He is such a good boy and I can see so many similarities between him and Bella. Being that it's flu season Frank and I are being very vigilant with Julian and staying away from to many people and especially to being around people that are sick or have sick family members that live within thier household. Our pediatrician had told us that if a child under two becomes ill it is very dangerous. It is a risk thatI a not willing to take. It awkward to say to people that you would prefer that they would not come over at this time. But I am not afraid of an awkward conversation. My own sister hadn't seen Julian until he was almost One week and a half because my niece was ill and she did not feel well. My mother purposely took a week off of work to spend at my house but had a tickle in her throat so she went to the doctors and asked for a prescription just in case. I cannot say enough how much I appreciate that they did those things. It shows me that they respect my wishes no matter what they think of them. Being that Isabella caught a common virus that lead to something much worse I am on high alert of any illnesses (especially strep or throat issues). So do not take it personally if we decline a visit at this time. It is nice that Frank and I are on the same page regarding this. I think that he is as concerned as I am. Iris different raising achild after loss. The bliss of being a parent is often competing with the reality of what could be. Well I think that Iam going to try to sneak in some sleep while I can. Miss you Bella. Julian is so lucky to have you as a big sister.

My little man is here and he is such an amazing little boy. His name is Julian Joseph. He arrived on November 8th at 4:15pm via c-section. The experience of having a baby via c-section was totally different then the experience that I had delivering Isabella. I brought a picture of Isabella to the hospital with me. I needed to have her there with me just as she would have been if she was here. My recovery is proving to be quite different as well. My husband has really stepped up to the plate by taking care of alot of the household duties (laundry, dishes, meals) as well as,asking sure that I always have a full glass of water and have taken my medication. Being that I could not bend in the first week he also was responsible for diaper duty and I was his assistant. Thank goodness for Frank. Julian is such an amazing little guy. He is a big boy who was born at pounds 8 pounds 13. At his Dr. Apt. today he weighed in at 9 pounds 1. I have heard from so many moms of boys to watch out for their spray when yu are changing them. Today Julian proved them right. While changing him today he showered himself and me with a nice urine shower. Being a mom to a little boy is a whole new experience to me. I would not change it for anything. I have caught myself many times calling Julian Bella. While I am holding him I could convince myself that he is her. He looks like her and reminds me so much of her. I often see him looking out at "nothing" and concentrating so intently. I just know that he is looking at her. She would not miss her little brothers presence for anything. Bella, I miss you so much but I know that you are here with us always. You will alwaysbe my girl. I love you and know that you're going to be the best big sister ever. u

Nervous

As the babies due date gets closer, I get a little more nervous. I am not nervous about having another baby. It is the the idea about bringing another child into this world that is full of germs and diseases that I cannot prevent no matter how hard I try. It is scary to open up your heart again to a little one who cannot tell you that they feel sick or are in pain. I was very cautious of germs with Isabella and will be the same if not worse with this little one. I am already prewarnimg people that I don't want people coming over if they are sick or have someone in their home that is sick. I know what people are thinking. They are thinking that I am over paronoid and that I need to relax. That I need to expose my children to germs. My answer would be that until you have lost a child to a disease that began with a "common" virus please just respect my wishes. One in a million is still one on a million. I am going to do everything in my power to prevent anyone that I love from being another one. I will try to do this at the same time allowing my little man to experienc life without my fear overshadowing him. With that being said, I am getting very excited to meet this little man. I know that he will bring my world the light that has been lost the past year and a half. My family and friends are just as excited as we are to meet him. I know that this little guy is going to bring us all a little closer to Isabella through the fact that he is a part of her. I look forward to holding my son and showing him the beautiful world that we live in and introducing him to all of the beautiful people in this world who love him already.

Changes

  I feel as though the days are going by to fast and I am trying to slow them down.  So much has changed in the past year and a half and even though I have many great things that are happening, it scares me that the world is still turning without Bella here.

  Within my house alone so many things look different then when Bella was here.  All of the things that we wanted to do when Bella was here we have finally done.  I feel a little guilty that all of these changes are happening and I wonder if Bella would approve.  I wonder if she likes the new couches or the new lamps.  I hope that she still feels at home in our house even with all of the changes.

  Yesterday we sold my car that I had purchased twelve years ago.  It was the car that we brought Bella home from the hospital in.  We brought her to all of her ultrasound appointments when she had her hip brace on.  I picked her up from daycare everyday in that car.  It was very hard for me to see that car drive away and to know that Bella had never experienced our new car.  I know that my car is not Bella but I feel as though another piece of me has gone.  A piece that holds so many great memories with my daughter.

   Last night I felt the need to sleep with a picture of Bella in my hand.  I need to feel her close to me and for her to know that know matter what she will always be my best friend, soul mate, and first born


  I love you Isabella Grace.

Gratitude

    Gratitude is something that I struggle with at this point in my life.  I will always be grateful for Frank, Bella,  my little man and all of my family and friends.   Gratitude for the little things in life is what I find difficult.

    Suprisingly, earlier this week I found myself feeling grateful and it took me by surprise.  I was driving to my Obgyn office and decided to get her and the receptionist a coffee.  At that moment I felt grateful that I was able to treat someone to a coffee without worrying about it.  There are so many people who cannot afford the necessities in life and to them treating people to something is often difficult.  It was such a minor thing but I felt it, that gratitude.   As soon as realized what I was thinking I was amazed.  It has been so long since I have felt that feeling.   It felt nice to be grateful for something instead of being angry all the time.

   Hopefully my future will bring more of those moments so that each moment of gratitude will not be something to write about.

   I will always be grateful for you Bella baby.